About three weeks ago, three other adoptive women and I started a blog called, Safe Place to Share. We were moved to be honest about our adoption struggles and have a place for others to come and know that they are not alone. We truly need each other in this journey of life, especially when you adopt a child. It is not for the faint at heart. This was my first story on the blog, which was a little scary, being so vulnerable, but God was faithful to cover me in him. This blog truly is a safe place to come and share your HARD and not feel like you are the only one going through it. Go to Safe Place to Share and be encouraged or just learn what adoption is all about.
My HEART and my flesh my fail....
I too was deceived by blog fairy tales that portrayed adoption as the next romantic experience after meeting the love of your life. My dreams and expectations were soon shattered, when I realized I did not possess the “love” for CT, like I did for my biological children. It was in Uganda that I felt shame, guilt, and anger that my heart was not following what my mind knew it should feel. I soon returned home on December 31, 2010, after 32 long days in Uganda, to start one of the hardest years of my life.
Some of the hardship came, because CT was an orphan living almost 2 ½ years without a family and with that came brokenness. He was, and in many ways, still is very needy, always wanting lots of attention, eye contact, and he pouts when the other children get attention and he does not. He was also thrown into a family with a sister his same age and an older brother who bullied him from the day he came home. He has been trying to find his place in the family and he often competes for attention on an hourly basis. He also has a very opposite personality from my biological children, which pushes me to want him to buck up and be like my other kids, but most of the time he whines and cries when things don’t go his way. These are very typical reactions of a child who was once an orphan, so I often question why some people instantly bond with their adopted child and I have done quite the opposite. It’s not like he is kicking, screaming, hitting, and biting all day, like some of the horror stories you hear of adopted children with RAD. I asked myself, “What is wrong with me? Why am I having a hard time “liking” my child, much less, “loving” my child? Maybe it is because of my personality. I was raised to be very independent, and he is certainly not. Who knows? I don’t know the answer, but I do know God has been showing me it is not about what is wrong with CT; it is about what is wrong with my HEART.
My Flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalm 73:26
I thought I was pretty good at being a mother. My marriage has been really tough, but being a mom came easy for me. I often thought, “I was made to be a mother! Adopting would be something I could do…maybe even easy. Yes, it would be hard, but the positive would out weigh the negative -- right? That was the case with my biological children.”
Boy was I HUMBLED.
It was not easy to love CT… actually it is impossible unless the person and work of Jesus is working in and through me. This past year has drawn me so much closer to my SAVIOR who rescued and continues to rescue me from my orphan ways. Adoption is not only about the lonely and destitute children finding a home, but about Jesus changing everyone involved when this new child joins the family. It has brought me to my knees more than anything else in my life. I have been in constant dependence on the Lord to love CT.
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you;
I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you
a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26
After we brought CT home, I listened to several marriage sermons by Tim Keller, along with several other sermons which brought truth into my life, as I was drowning in self-pity. Through those sermons, I realized that by moving toward CT in love even when I wanted nothing to do with him, the feelings of “love” would come in the midst of sacrificially serving him--very similar to what happens in a marriage when the honeymoon wears off. The Lord was teaching me about true love, which is very different than infatuation love that I felt before we met him while gazing at his picture. True love is sacrificial and often hurts the person giving the love, but ultimately new life will grow from the sacrifice…which is very much the GOSPEL. Christ did not die for the lovable, but for the unlovable. He did not return evil with evil, but evil with LOVE. He did the ultimate sacrifice.
But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. Philipians 3:8-11
Realizing these truths really helped me to sacrificially love CT better and grow in my relationship with the Lord. I would love to be able to say that all is well and I am passionately in love with him now that he has been home 1 year and 3 months, but I would be lying. This is real life and I am still a sinner living in a fallen world who still greatly struggles with this area of my life. But, friends, God is so faithful to me. He meets me in my ugliness when I treat CT differently than my biological children. He convicts me and draws me to my knees again and again and again. And people, I fail a whole lot!! I still get angry with CT, with myself, and with God, because I want to be different…I don’t want to struggle anymore. In the midst of my “hell”, God gives me glimpses of heaven to keep me going. I also fear I am ruining my precious son in the midst of my battle with sin. But, the Lord quiets my heart once again and says, “Melissa, nothing can stray from my sovereignty. You are a good mama, not because you treat him ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ but because I see you as a new creation, because of his righteousness, through his sacrifice. I handpicked you to be the mother of CT and I am making all things new."
"And he who was seated on the throne said,
“Behold, I am making all things new.”
Also he said, “Write this down,
for these words are trustworthy and true.”
Revelation 21:5
HE is more interested in redeeming our hearts, then us saving the world. He is the main character in CT's story, not me. He continues to remind me of his faithfulness even in the dark times and provides everything I need in him over and over again. He gives me renewed HOPE, that he is redeeming me and CT; one day we will be made fully new. Oh, how I long for heaven at times. This “already, but not yet” life is often too much to bear. In his mercy, he reaches down and pulls me out of my misery and gives me renewed strength, to yet again, make it through another day.
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
Lamentations 3:22-24
