Safe Place to Share

About three weeks ago, three other adoptive women and I started a blog called, Safe Place to Share. We were moved to be honest about our adoption struggles and have a place for others to come and know that they are not alone. We truly need each other in this journey of life, especially when you adopt a child. It is not for the faint at heart. This was my first story on the blog, which was a little scary, being so vulnerable, but God was faithful to cover me in him. This blog truly is a safe place to come and share your HARD and not feel like you are the only one going through it. Go to Safe Place to Share and be encouraged or just learn what adoption is all about.

My HEART and my flesh my fail....

I too was deceived by blog fairy tales that portrayed adoption as the next romantic experience after meeting the love of your life. My dreams and expectations were soon shattered, when I realized I did not possess the “love” for CT, like I did for my biological children. It was in Uganda that I felt shame, guilt, and anger that my heart was not following what my mind knew it should feel. I soon returned home on December 31, 2010, after 32 long days in Uganda, to start one of the hardest years of my life.

Some of the hardship came, because CT was an orphan living almost 2 ½ years without a family and with that came brokenness. He was, and in many ways, still is very needy, always wanting lots of attention, eye contact, and he pouts when the other children get attention and he does not. He was also thrown into a family with a sister his same age and an older brother who bullied him from the day he came home. He has been trying to find his place in the family and he often competes for attention on an hourly basis. He also has a very opposite personality from my biological children, which pushes me to want him to buck up and be like my other kids, but most of the time he whines and cries when things don’t go his way. These are very typical reactions of a child who was once an orphan, so I often question why some people instantly bond with their adopted child and I have done quite the opposite. It’s not like he is kicking, screaming, hitting, and biting all day, like some of the horror stories you hear of adopted children with RAD. I asked myself, “What is wrong with me? Why am I having a hard time “liking” my child, much less, “loving” my child? Maybe it is because of my personality. I was raised to be very independent, and he is certainly not. Who knows? I don’t know the answer, but I do know God has been showing me it is not about what is wrong with CT; it is about what is wrong with my HEART.

My Flesh and my heart may fail, 

but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. 

Psalm 73:26

I thought I was pretty good at being a mother.  My marriage has been really tough, but being a mom came easy for me. I often thought, “I was made to be a mother! Adopting would be something I could do…maybe even easy. Yes, it would be hard, but the positive would out weigh the negative -- right? That was the case with my biological children.”

Boy was I HUMBLED.

It was not easy to love CT… actually it is impossible unless the person and work of Jesus is working in and through me. This past year has drawn me so much closer to my SAVIOR who rescued and continues to rescue me from my orphan ways.  Adoption is not only about the lonely and destitute children finding a home, but about Jesus changing everyone involved when this new child joins the family. It has brought me to my knees more than anything else in my life. I have been in constant dependence on the Lord to love CT.

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you;

I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you

a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26

After we brought CT home, I listened to several marriage sermons by Tim Keller, along with several other sermons which brought truth into my life, as I was drowning in self-pity. Through those sermons, I realized that by moving toward CT in love even when I wanted nothing to do with him, the feelings of “love” would come in the midst of sacrificially serving him--very similar to what happens in a marriage when the honeymoon wears off. The Lord was teaching me about true love, which is very different than infatuation love that I felt before we met him while gazing at his picture. True love is sacrificial and often hurts the person giving the love, but ultimately new life will grow from the sacrifice…which is very much the GOSPEL. Christ did not die for the lovable, but for the unlovable. He did not return evil with evil, but evil with LOVE. He did the ultimate sacrifice.

But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ.  Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—  that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. Philipians 3:8-11

Realizing these truths really helped me to sacrificially love CT better and grow in my relationship with the Lord. I would love to be able to say that all is well and I am passionately in love with him now that he has been home 1 year and 3 months, but I would be lying. This is real life and I am still a sinner living in a fallen world who still greatly struggles with this area of my life. But, friends, God is so faithful to me. He meets me in my ugliness when I treat CT differently than my biological children. He convicts me and draws me to my knees again and again and again. And people, I fail a whole lot!! I still get angry with CT, with myself, and with God, because I want to be different…I don’t want to struggle anymore. In the midst of my “hell”, God gives me glimpses of heaven to keep me going.  I also fear I am ruining my precious son in the midst of my battle with sin. But, the Lord quiets my heart once again and says, “Melissa, nothing can stray from my sovereignty. You are a good mama, not because you treat him ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ but because I see you as a new creation, because of his righteousness, through his sacrifice. I handpicked you to be the mother of CT and I am making all things new."

"And he who was seated on the throne said, 

“Behold, I am making all things new.”

 Also he said, “Write this down, 

for these words are trustworthy and true.” 

Revelation 21:5

HE is more interested in redeeming our hearts, then us saving the world. He is the main character in CT's story, not me. He continues to remind me of his faithfulness even in the dark times and provides everything I need in him over and over again. He gives me renewed HOPE, that he is redeeming me and CT; one day we will be made fully new. Oh, how I long for heaven at times. This “already, but not yet” life is often too much to bear. In his mercy, he reaches down and pulls me out of my misery and gives me renewed strength, to yet again, make it through another day.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end;

 they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,

“therefore I will hope in him.”

Lamentations 3:22-24

The Adoption Story of Charles Tucker

The last couple of years have been some of the most trying times of my life. But, I have learned more about suffering, becoming like him in his death and so somehow to attain the resurrection from the dead, more than I ever wanted to know. I have learned that you have to die to yourself to experience life.

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ. Phillipians 3:8

I would love to say that this past year having Charles Tucker home has made me want to rescue the rest of the orphans of the world, but I would be lying. But, I can say that having him join our family has been more of a realization of how much I need Jesus to rescue ME from my orphan ways, when I have been adopted by the king of the universe. Adoption is not only about the lonely and destute children finding a home, but about Jesus changing everyone involved with this new child who joins the family. He is more interested in redeeming our hearts, then us saving the world. He is the main character in Charles Tucker's story, not us...believe me.

My flesh and my heart may fail, 

but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Psalm 73:26

I started this slideshow 8 months ago and it is finally finished, thanks to my husband who took care of the kids practically all weekend! I made this mainly for Charles Tucker to remember his story and how God miraculously saved him from the effects of the fall. Not that redeemption is found by him being placed in our family, but how God is using all things, even our family, to draw Charles Tucker to himself. I pray that God will use his story to bless you and draw you closer to the rescuer your heart yearns for.
It is longer than I anticipated, but it is about the last two years of our lives since we started his adoption journey. Enjoy! (remember to pause the music at the bottom of the page)

Jane

My friend Jane and her family will be coming home with their precious baby girl, Martha Jane this Friday. Can't wait to welcome her home!!!! I love this honest and humble post she posted on her blog of her experience in Uganda. She is learning so much about herself and God's love.

Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross! Phil. 2:6-8

Go to Compelling Grace to read Jane's post.

Love you Jane!!!!

And their off.....

I am more than excited for my friends, the Gilberts, who are on their way to the airport as I write this post! Where are they going? Well, Uganda, of course!!! They are finally boarding a plane to meet their baby girl, "MJ", short for her real name that I will reveal once she is apart of their family...you have to protect that sort of thing for the sake of the adoption. The Gilberts, have two children ages 6 and 9 who will also be traveling and staying the duration of the time in Uganda, until they are able to bring MJ home. Thankfully, their grandmother is bravely going along to help and just be apart of the amazing African experience.

The Gilberts joined the adoption journey only two weeks after God led us to start our process back in November 2009, but after moving to a new house and a couple other set backs, they are finally going to meet their baby girl! I have so enjoyed being apart of this journey for the last several months since we have been home from Africa...I have loved getting to share what I know of Uganda and help them prepare for the unknown. Being in Uganda feels more familiar to me versus the Gilberts walking blindly into this foreign country. But, hopefully they feel a little bit more prepared by us paving the way for them! I know it has blessed me to have the opportunity to relive it all over again.

So many emotions are  brought to the forefront of my mind as they depart on this amazing adventure to experience the miracle of adoption and meet their daughter for the first time, who was meant to be in their family from the beginning of time! Ohooo...thinking about it gives me chills! God is so good! Three weeks ago when they found out they had a court date, I felt like I was going to Uganda all over again....I am just so excited for their family! I will try to keep you vaughly updated on their adventures while they are there, but once they are home, I will be free to share more!

Please pray the Ugandan Judge will grant them favor to bring "MJ" into their family and they will arrive back in Atlanta in a timely fashion, hopefully not more than a month. And pray for patience as they experience the slow paced life of Ugandan culture which can often drive Americans batty. And pray that their hearts would turn to the Lord even when they are tired physically and emotionally, because jet lag, a foreign country with crazy drivers, strange food, with sinners involved... will cause our hearts to doubt his love for us.

w can't wait to see all that the Lord has instore for this amazing family!!! And who knows maybe one day "MJ" and Charles Tucker will get married...Just say'n..   

Love you Gilberts!!!          

adoption is REDEEMPTION, one day at a time...

Talk about being REAL. This post from, The Orphans Table, knocked my socks off!! Adoption is one of those topics that usually only gets PRAISE in the blog world, which is rightly so...but people forget to talk about all aspects of adoption and what it is truly like. I think people feel ashamed and guilty so they hide their true feelings. Maybe people think, "I am not a good christian if I feel this way about my adopted child, so I am definitely not going to blog about it."  But, the truth is, adoption is hard, it is usually not romantic and it does not come natural.

My husband and I have realized adoption is not the way God designed families to be. His design from the beginning of time was for a mommy and daddy to have children and always love them and never leave them or forsake them. But, because we live in a broken, sinful and fallen world... the reality is different. BUT, He has chosen adoption as a way to REDEEM the brokenness.  Just as he has sent his son to die on the cross and rise again on the third day...he has given us adoption to heal the broken hearts of these forgotten children. Was it easy for Christ to die on the cross? No. It was suffering. Just like adopting a child is often suffering on one side of the bonding or the other. But, through this suffering, Christ rose again and made a way for us to live an eternal life. Not only do we get to live eternity in heaven, but right now on earth we are covered with Christ's righteousness. When God looks down from heaven and sees one of his children, he sees Christ, not us. Once we are in Christ, we are becoming a new creation...he is redeeming us and stripping away our nasty sin. (thank God!) The process of sanctification is hard and painful...but through this process we are being made new. We are seeing more of our sin and ugliness...but seeing God's FORGIVENESS, MERCY, and GRACE all the more. In the same way, once you adopt a child, the process of bonding, attachment, and healing is very hard, painful and often miserable. But, in the process, God is making the adopted child new and whole, as well as the parents, but in a whole different way. God is not interested in making us HAPPY, his in the business of making us HOLY. Which is Oh, so painful, but it reaps a harvest of goodness!

About a month after I came home from Uganda, I posted about this same thing HERE, but it was coming from a very shocked, shameful, frustrated, and exhausted place...with a little bit of HOPE. But, now...I see God is exposing my sin for what it truly is...Adoption is not hard because of something the child is doing...but because I am realizing how incapable I am of loving this child in my own strength. I am a nasty , ugly sinner in need of Jesus' saving grace. So everyday, I ask God to fill me with his love, so I may overflow to love my children in the way he has called me to. I often fail every single day, or more. It is a constant reliance on my savior to love our adopted child. But, Praise Be to God for showing me LOVE does not come as natural as I thought it did. I definitely took pride in my ability to love my children. I thought it was just something I was good at and others were not. Pretty funny... right! The minute we think we have made it, is the minute he humbles us and brings us to our knees. So instead of thinking this is something I should not share in the blog world because I am such a horrible person, in actuality, we should not be shocked by the sin of another person. We should be shocked at the good in another person, and praise our father when the good does come out! Because it is not from us, it is only from him. LESS of ME, means MORE of HIM!

And another perspective is, what about the adopted child? Will you want him or her to read this when they are older? That would be horrible for them to know that you had a hard time loving them. I agree, this could be hard, but if you teach your children that true love comes only from the father, then it should come at no surprise to your child that things were hard the first couple of years or more. It is often hard to love biological children too, for me it has definitely been different kind of hard, but it comes from the same ugly place...SIN. It is just important for the child to know, it was not their fault, it was all about You and your struggle with the sin that wages war on your soul. I have only been home with Charles Tucker, my almost three year old for six months, so I am very very new at parenting him, but God has definitely taught me so much about myself and his amazing grace and love for me despite my ugliness. I feel encouraged and very HOPEFUL for what God is doing in our family with precious Tuck-Tuck. He is definitely supplying the love I need more and more everyday and he is bringing us all new life in the process. I am excited to see what another year brings for all of our HEALING.

Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! Romans 7:24-25a

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:3-5

(I did not know where I was going with this post, but it has turned out to be kind of long. Through the inspiration of the post on The Orphans Table, I was able to write this post. Thank you for giving me the courage to step out and write this. It was neat to see God give me insight into my sin with this topic.)

Charles Tucker's referral anniversary

One year ago today,at 12:00 p.m., this little 21 month old face changed our life forever...

It was so surreal seeing the face of the child the Lord ordained to be in our family...I can remember the feelings like it was yesterday...

I was definitely on cloud nine...looking at this beautiful boy, realizing he was going to be mine...

Who would have known, one year later he would be laughing and running around with his forever family, God is good.

Wow, has the Lord used this child in our lives in more ways than one, in some ways that we cannot explain on this blog, but ways in which we will never be the same. Just as God is healing and making him whole, he is also making us new creations in Christ.

 It is so strange looking back at these pictures...I see a totally different child now than I did a year ago. Now, I know he likes rough textured food more than soft textured food. His favorite color is red. He is fearless in new situations...but will often become scared once he sees their is something to be scared of. He thrives in high stimulation situations, which is strange for adopted children. Now I know what makes him sad, what makes him smile. How he has the softest skin of any human I have ever felt!When we saw these pictures for the first time, he was a world away, but now he is a child that we call son. A child that loves cuddling with mommy and daddy. A child that loves to run around and act crazy with his sister and brother. A precious child with the sweetest voice you can think of. A child that can make mommy go crazy, but one that melts her heart and draws her to Jesus.

Lord help me to be the mommy that Charles Tucker needs me to be. Help me to love him when he is unlovable and to care for him when it is hard. Give me the power to raise him up to be the man you want him to be. What a gift he is to our family and what a blessing he will be to everyone he meets. Amen

Happy Refferal Anniversary Charles Tucker!!!

                                                                                                                              

Follow up from yesterday...

(This is a follow up post from yesterday, you can go to it HERE.)

Some people say that I had these emotions because I was not prepared, that I did not do my research on attachement and bonding. Well, I actually did read a couple of books that definitley helped me know what to expect, Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child and Toddler Adoption: The Weavers Craft. Neither one of these books talked about the parent to child bond would be hard. They both talked about how the child to parent bond is the big issue, RAD, (Reactive Attatchment Disorder).  Maybe I overlooked a chapter, that I should have read, but I don't know. I was not surprised by his actions, I expected this, but these authors did not talk about how "I" as the parent might feel toward the child. I think I could have read every single book on attachment and bonding and still felt overwhelmed by these feelings I was experiencing. An attachment book is not going to make me LOVE, truly LOVE.  I believe this kind of love only comes from Jesus Christ. The only book that will teach me to truly love is the Bible and this is where I want to do most of my research, this is where I soak in the most wisdom on parenting my children, even adopted ones. I have to trust that God will give me discerment on how to raise my children. I do not claim to be an expert... I am just a mom, trusting Jesus to help me get through life, because I am a distaster otherwise. But, my prayer for this blog is for God to use my feable attempts at writing our journey to bring him glory.

Learning about the Fullness of God's Love through a two year old boy

With all the anticipation of going to travel to get Charles Tucker, I definitely was overcome by the romantic dream of one day seeing his face, holding him in my arms, and finally having him in our family to live together happily ever after. Well, it was so special seeing Charles Tucker for the first time and I had to pinch myself to realize it was real. But after a couple of days somehow I got lost in the practicality of it all...dealing with our screaming kids, sickness, living in Uganda, and a new child to add to the mix. Life got "real" way too fast. Charles Tucker was cuter than his pictures and more precious than I could have imagined, but he was broken, wounded and craved love and attention. And sometimes it was and is still not pretty and not precious and definitely not cute when he throws himself on the ground, hits us, gets a pouty lip, screams when he doesn't get his way all because I moved his cup from falling off the table among many other things. I found myself having feelings like, "This is hard and I would rather go deal with my biological children." "What happened to those madly in love feelings I had for him just days before?" "What is wrong with me?" "Why do I feel this way?" "I don't want to let anyone know" "I thought we were suppose to live happily ever after the moment I saw him." "If this is normal, why does no one talk about it?"


I did not say anything to my husband for a few days, because I was confused by all that I was feeling. But, finally I did go to him and say "This is hard!" And he felt the exact same way. I was relieved, but still confused.



So we cried out to the Lord, "What do we do now? How to we love him and handle him? Give us your eyes for this little boy. Help us to love Charles Tucker, even when it is hard."



The Lord revealed to us that we are so much like Charles Tucker. We kick and scream before God, wanting our own way, forgetting that we have a heavenly father who loves us so much and wants what is best for us. Does God turn away when we pitch fits? No, he comes to us and rescues us and loves us unconditionally. We even killed him and he still loves us. That is amazing LOVE! God give us this kind of love for Charles Tucker.



At this time, we were telling Charles Tucker "no", but not doing much else. When he would throw a fit we would let him and then walk away. Ever so often we would come check on him and see if he wanted to get up and make peace. Usually he would say no and keep screaming, but eventually he would let us hold him. We wanted him to know that we still loved him when we told him "no", but he could not do whatever he pleased. He eventually started to understand this. Then after a while we let him do the whole fit by himself, until he stopped crying. Then we went to him and reassured him of our love for him, despite not giving him what he wants. After a couple of weeks, he would throw a fit, get over it, and walk by himself to where we were and want us to pick him up. We felt like this was a lot of progress, really fast. Charles Tucker was learning that he cannot be the God of his universe, but that we still love and care for him and we are there for him even in the midst of his sin.



Charles Tucker in his orphan state does not realize he needs someone to rescue him, he craves attention, but he only wants part of our love. The minute we say "no, you may not touch the hot stove, it will burn you." he pitches a fit and can't accept this part of the love. He wants to be in control and go his own way...these are coping strategies he has developed to survive with out parents. He cannot possibly accept that we have his good in mind, he does not trust us yet. He does not know us well enough, it takes time. In the same way, we in our sin do not realize we need God; we do not want to be rescued. But, God reaches down and saves us from destruction and death and gives us new life. He knows that he is the only one who can make us truly happy and fulfilled. But, even though we are in Christ we still try to go our own way and control our lives. We often forget we have an amazing savior who knows what is best for us, who can give us life to the fullest.



But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. Ephesians 2:4-5



When we are young in our faith and knowledge of who God is, we only want the "good" and "fun" love, we do not accept the "hard" love, such as trials and suffering. But as we grow in our knowledge of the fullness of God and realize even in trials, God is sovereign and in control of our lives...then and only then will we accept the fullness of God's love, our identity will lie with our savior. Charles Tucker is going through the same thing. He only wants the hugs, kisses, playing, etc..., he can't handle the full spectrum of our love. True love also includes saying "no", redirecting when he has made a mistake, or removing him from a dangerous situation. But, as he gets to know us and finds his identity in us as parents, then and only then will he learn to accept the fullness of our love for him.



^{For in him the whole fullness of deity dwells bodily, and you have been filled in him, who is the head of all rule and authority. Colossians 2:9}

I soon learned from other adoptive mommies that all these feelings I have experienced are normal and most people have to go through this in order to truly form a parent/child bond with their adopted child. This definitely made me feel better and not so alone, but all I could think about was, ‘No one talks about this on blogs…. This is a big deal…. I totally did not anticipate this before meeting him.’

During the last two weeks in Uganda, I really had to trust the Lord to give me the strength to love Charles Tucker. The Lord showed me how to pursue him, even when he did not want to be pursued, as much as I did not want to pursue him. I often failed, but the Lord continued to show me my sin, grow me, and give me strength to love Charles Tucker.

For this I toil, struggling with all HIS energy he so powerfully works within me. Colossians 1:29

I slowly started to see my heart change toward Charles Tucker and he seemed to be more accepting of my love for him. He really started responding well to the boundaries we put on him. God was faithful in meeting us in this struggle.

On the plane ride home the Lord truly softened my heart toward him. As I watched him sleep, tears started flowing as I realized all that this little boy has been through, most of which I do not even know, but, ‘Come on Melissa, he is a two year old child who has lost everything he has ever known. Yes, he acts like a brat sometimes and he does not appreciate all that you do for him, but that is not the point. We don’t love people to please them or get a big thank you, but we love because he first loved us.’ The Lord definitely gave me compassion in those moments of realization. He was breaking my heart for what breaks his. It was a special time of seeing and thinking about all the Lord had done.

In the last month of being home from Africa, the Lord has brought us a long way. I have seen my love grow more and more for Charles Tucker and some of the magic is starting to emerge again, but in a different way. A blog friend the other night put it in the best way, it is almost like I was anticipating the “wedding” with excitement and “Ahh”, but I never once thought about the “marriage”. But, God has been sooooo faithful and I am convinced he will finish the work he has started in my heart for this precious son he predestined to be in our family from the beginning of time. In the same way, he will continue to give me more glimpses of his love for me and I will start to understand more and more of the fullness of God’s love.

And to know the love of Christ surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:19

If you are about to adopt a child, know that everyone goes through different emotions. You may or may not experience what we have gone through, but if you do have a hard time loving your newly adopted child, know that you are not alone. God called you to bring this child into your family, so he will give you the strength required to love this new son or daughter. In the mean time, he will break you and teach you to depend on him for your every breath. Love that comes from the father is more beautiful than any love we could possibly give our child on our own.

Fundraisier: Are you adopting, pregnant, or know someone that is?

April and Jim are in the process of adopting from Uganda. They are raising money to bring their sweet girl, Isabel, home through various fundraisers. Donate $5.00 and you can be in the running to win this fabulous baby basket full of things you will need for having a new baby or toddler in your home. This basket would also be a great gift to a friend! All the donations will go directly to bringing home sweet Isabel. Go to their blog, Our Journey to Isabel to learn more about how God is leading them.

This is just an example of what the basket will look like.

Takes a Whole Village

 Davis, a friend of mine is selling t-shirts to help support Takes a Whole Village (TAWV), a ministry to children in Tanzania. TAWV was started by Heath Depree, an Atlanta native. Heath is a single girl who is also in the process of adopting a Tanzanian little girl, Neema. I have been following her story for several months now as God has used her faith to help me know my Savior more. The t-shirts are only available until Friday, March 12th at noon. It is an 18.00 investment to help meet a child's physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. If you are interested in helping TAVW, go to The Neema Shop.

God is the one doing it, not me

   God has changed me and opened my eyes to the need of orphans, widows, the poor, the needy, 'the least of these'. I have done nothing different in my life, but respond to him changing my heart. I did not spend more time with God, I did not read the bible more, I did not go to more Bible studies, God just miraculously changed me.   

   I have seen God work in my life for many years now. I assume he started working the moment of conception, but I did not realize his hand was on my life until I was in high school. It wasn't until college that I knew I needed him more than I needed myself. It was then that I realized the depth of my own sin. My relationship with him really blossomed and I could not get enough of his word and seeking him. The Lord filled me up with his love, so that I was then compelled to share this news of redemption with others. That summer the Lord led me to China to grow me in him and be changed by sharing with others. The gospel really seems to work this way. God reveals sin, you repent and realize you are not believing that God loves you, then once he fills your cup, it can't help but overflow with his love! You are compelled to share your 'treasure' with others.
      This past year of my life has been one of the worst and best years. The worst because the transition of going from one to two kids was definitely the hardest experience of my life on many different levels. It was the best year, because God used my suffering to show me my sin, reveal my idols, bring me to my knees, and rid me of myself, so I can trust his saving grace and ultimately show me true joy in him. I can testify that the Lord really and truly changed me. I have freedom in so many areas that I have struggled with for years. I still have a long way to go, but I am confident that the Lord will finish what he has started.
    I am so thankful that it is the Lord that sanctifies me, because I am not good at being a christian. I am not patient or kind (with my children). I am often envious of others, I like to boast about myself, I am often proud (thinking my way is right). I am sometimes rude, I am mostly self-seeking (wanting to talk about myself), I am very easily angered (with my husband), and I keep a record of wrongs (with my husband). I never protect, trust (overwhelmed alot), hope, or persevere. I will always fail others...BUT, "the person and work of Jesus in my life," is making me a new creation. My hope is that he will continue to mold me and shape me into his likeness:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
I Corinthians13:4-8a 

 His love compels me to love others

I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.
 Matthew 25:40

Sarah Groves wrote and sang this song, "I saw what I saw", during her time in Rwanda. A Beautiful and inspiring song about the pain and suffering that changed her. God does not compel everyone to adopt a child from Africa, but if he does, every video of African children, put to music, will make you cry!! And I have never even been to Africa! This is truly a work of the Lord!

You know you are an adoptive parent if...

You Know You're An Adoptive Parent IF...
1. The fact that there are 147 million children without a parent to kiss them goodnight has made you lose sleep.
2. You realize DNA has nothing to do with love & family.
3. You can't watch Adoption Stories on TLC without tears.
4. The fact that, if 7% of Christians adopted 1 child there would be no orphans in the world, is convicting to you.
5. You spend free time surfing blogs about families who've experienced the blessing of adoption.
6. It drives you crazy when people ask you about adopted child's "real" parents.
7. You were "pregnant" with your adoptive child longer than it takes an elephant to give birth (2 years! - oh lets hope this isn't the case for us!!)
8. You'd no idea how you'd afford to adopt, but stepped out in faith anyway, knowing He'd provide (He has!)
9. You have (want to) taken an airplane half-way around the world to meet your child
10. You believe God's heart is for adoption.
11. You realize that welcoming a child into your heart & family is one of the most important legacies you could ever leave on this earth.
12. You know what the word "Dossier" means & you can actually pronounce it correctly!
13. You've welcomed a social worker into the most private parts of your life.
14. You shudder when people say your child's so lucky that you adopted them, knowing full well you're the blessed one to have him or her in your life.

Borrowed from the Blog: http://celebratingchaos.blogspot.com/

Husband, Homestudy, Haiti

     My husband just returned this morning after taking the "red eye" from Las Vegas so he could be here for our first homestudy meeting. He has been working out in Vegas for almost two weeks. So we are really glad to have him home! He tried to sleep this morning, but Henry got up five minutes after he laid his head down at 6:30a.m. So after trying to sleep for 2 hours, he finally got up and played with the kids! After playing a while, we decided to get some adoption stuff done and run some errands. Then for lunch, we ate all together at Chickfila before rushing home to clean the house for our homestudy meeting.
      Our first official homestudy meeting went great! We really like our social worker from Lifeline Children's Services and I was not nervous at all. He made us feel very comfortable. We just talked about ourselves! It lasted 2 1/2 hours and we still had more to discuss. He said we could continue the discussion at the next meeting, which will hopefully be next week. After the meeting, we rushed to the post office to finish the paper work for Mary Taylor and Henry's passports. Yes, we are praying and planning on taking both our kids to Uganda with us. Four to six weeks is a long time to be away from your children. So, Lord willing, it will work out. Dee will stay for two weeks and then we are hoping my sister will be able to join us in Uganda. If she is unable to come, we are praying that God will provide someone else to go with us to Uganda to help with our children.
       Seeing the disaster in Haiti, greatly burdons me to help the orphans of the world. It is so hard to watch the images of the suffering Haitian people. The pain they are going through does not seem fair. Oh, how I long to do more for these people. How is it fair that we live in such luxery and other people around the world have nothing and are suffering. Oh.... how I long for Christ to deliever us from the sin of this world and the pain that people have to endure. I have been blessed to be the mother of two precious children, but Oh.... has God opened my eyes to the abandoned children of the world, who suffering silently, with no mother to comfort them! I am thrilled that he is calling our family to take one of these suffering children into our family. I can no longer be comfortable in my little world, worrying about the social pressures of today's society. I have lived too many years in bongage to the "fear of man".  The "fear of man" only leads to destruction and an unfulfilling life. God has recently changed my heart and given me victory to overcome some of these fears. He has opened my eyes and given me "joy in suffering". For this I am truly thankful.

Haitian Orphans going home!

"Slashing red tape or ignoring ordinarily required paperwork,

officials in the United States and the Netherlands have cleared the way

for scores of Haitian orphans to leave their earthquake-ravaged homeland,

according to officials from the two countries."

Orphans from Haiti are going home to be with their forever families! Read this article from CNN, Haitian Orphans Rushed to New Homes Abroad. 

Haiti's Orphans

 While I was running on the treadmill yesterday, I heard the terrible news of Haiti's catastrophic Earthquake. I could not help but think about the 1.2 million orphans of Haiti and the children who became orphans through this devastating event. I could not help but think about all the families who lost their soon to be adopted sons and daughters. Haiti's adoption process is very long and grueling. Families can travel several times to see their children before they finally get to bring them  home. My heart goes out to these families whose children may not have made it. But there are those orphans who are still alive in Haiti and are still waiting to go home to their forever families. The blog, Together for Adoption, posted this video of a family who is waiting to bring their son home from Haiti. Join with me in praying that these adoptions will be made final and not delayed because of this horrible situation. Pray that God's glory shines in the midst of destruction.

Lespwa Worldwide is a nonproft organization to help orphans of Haiti. It was started by a group of college students who understood the gospel, who were compelled to love the orphans of Haiti. They are accepting donations that will go directly to help the relief effort of the earthquake.

How can you help orphans?

Not everyone feels the call to adopt, but all Christians are called to love orphans. Whether it be sponsoring an orphan overseas, giving money to a family that is adopting, being a foster parent, or praying for orphans, we all can be apart of what God is doing in the lives of orphans. I came across this video tonight on The Spirit of Adoption blog.


Adoption from Catalyst on Vimeo.

***I just finished my NCFA training online. Yes, 8 to 10 hours of reading and video clips completed! I have been informed of every possible problem I could have in adopting a child internationally and there are a lot! But, I rest in the fact that God knows the perfect child for our family and he will give us the grace that is sufficient in handling any situation. Hopefully tomorrow, I will finish my medical form and get a little bit more reading done. I got so much accomplised while Henry was gone. I feel like I got a head start. Now, Dee just needs to catch up! Ha Ha! We will have our first homestudy interview with our new agency, Lifeline Children Services on Tuesday. So, we are moving right along!

It's a Thanksgiving Miracle

As of today, The Hollis family has raised 28,500 and the money is still coming in! Wow, I cannot believe it! They raised this amount of money in a week! God completely provided the money for Darya to have a home! Truely Amazing! This famliy was on the news in their home town.

God's timing

           My husband and I both feel that the Lord is calling us to adopt, but we are praying and seeking the Lord for his timing. We have a lot going on in our lives right now. Dee's father has recently been diagnosed with cancer and we pray that the Lord heals him. Our 1940's house continues to have things break that need to be replaced and we also have credit card debit from our recent bedroom addition. We do not want to let money or circumstances be a hindrance to how God is leading us, but we also want to be wise in discerning his will for us. Please pray for us, as we seek God for direction.

"The Lord is a refugee for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."  Psalm 9: 9-10

In the meantime, Mary Taylor and Henry get to sit in the

front seat while daddy drives around the neighborhood!

Now that I have seen

God has been developing this desire to adopt since Spring 2009. My husband, Dee, emailed Mark Richt's "Beauty of Adoption" video. Mark Richt is the University of Georgia's football coach who adopted two children from the Ukraine. This is a beautiful picture of how God loves the broken things of this world.

In May, I learned that a family in our church, the Gordons,were adopting a two year old girl from China. A month later, they took the long plane ride to Beijing. I watched my first "gotcha day" video, on facebook, while they were still over there. Pretty amazing to watch a family come together for the first time. That video truly touched my heart. Jia is a precious little girl.


After Jia's adoption, I started talking to people in our church that shared the same interest. This encouraged me to think more deeply about adoption. One of my friends, Caroline, sent me, Lucy Lane's "Gotcha Day" video from the blog: We Love our Lucy Lane and I cried through the whole thing! I received it through email while I was at the lake with my family and I made them all watch it too. God was working in my heart and opening my eyes. My husband Dee was excited that I was developing a heart for adoption.

About a month later, my friend Andrea called to tell me she and her husband were going to adopt from Ethiopia. Babe of My Heart

I was thrilled for them and told her we also wanted to adopt one day, but this was just not the right time. Life is too crazy with two young kids. Little did I know what God was doing in my heart. A of couple weeks later in August, Andrea posted an incredible blog by a girl named Katie Davis. It wasn't until the end of September that I decided to check it out.

Katie is a 21 year old girl from Brentwood, TN who has adopted 14 children in Ug*nda. She also feeds, clothes and provides school for 400 children. About two years ago she started this ministry called Amazima Ministries. This ministry raises money for these children in this Ug*ndan village. Her life is a true picture of what it means to be selfless and fully trust Christ for your every breath. Her stories truly humbled me. Here I am complaining that I have to take care of two children and I don't have "me time" anymore. This totally changed my perspective. God used her to open my eyes to these precious children in Africa that have no mommies and daddies. I spent three days reading her whole blog. The work she is doing over there is amazing and has encouraged me to know my Jesus more. It was on her blog that I learned these statistics.

*There are 145 million orphans worldwide.

*15 million have lost one or both parents to AIDS

*Over 11.6 million live in Sub-Saharan Africa


For the next week or so I discussed the possibilities of adopting with my husband. We knew God was leading us to adopt a child, because we now shared this same passion. The only thing that stood in our way was money. We just added onto our two bedroom, one bath house to make it a four bedroom, one bath house. Our 1940s house ended up needing a lot more work than we intended to do. I thought, "So why is God putting this on our hearts now?"

After doing a little more research, we realized that money should never be a reason not to adopt. This video inspired us to just trust the Lord to provide. There are many organizations that give grants for adoption and many ways to raise money to bring orphans home. So now we are praying that God would provide the money if this is his will.

God has opened our eyes to the orphans of the world, just like he opened my eyes to his truth several years ago. I have been loved much, so that I am free to love!

Ok...I declare this the beginning of our journey

"O.K. God, are you serious?" The past eleven months has been an adjustment with two kids. Four months ago, I would have said, "Two children is all I can handle." After watching several adoption "gotcha day" videos, seeing a friend adopt, and learning about the tremendous need in Africa and around the world, my heart is aching to rescue the orphans of the world. I truly believe the Lord is leading my husband and I to adopt one of these 147 million orphans. My husband, Dee, has had a heart for adoption for sometime now. He has shown me that adoption is a way to mirror the gospel. We were once orphans and the Lord rescued us and gave us full rights as sons and daughters through Jesus Christ. For the past couple of years, I have been too practical to think about adopting, but the Lord is definitely changing my heart. I am still overwhelmed with two children and my house is always a mess, but having a perfectly ordered house does not bring true satisfaction and fulfillment. Knowing the heart of God is what life is all about. He brings beauty out of chaos. If you are reading this and you do not know this savior. This all might seem crazy to you. Sometimes, when I think about adopting, I think I am crazy. But since the Holy Spirit  has pierced my heart, I am compelled to love. "The love of Christ passes knowledge." (from the song "Lord dissolve my frozen heart") I don't know what this journey will bring, but this is all in God's perfect timing.