Thank you and Our Snow Week!

Thank you all for your encouragement on the last couple of posts. I definitely put myself "out there" in the blog world...so I have to expect the good responses along, with the not so good responses when you post something so honest. But, I have to remember I started this blog not to please man, but to please God. That might seem cliche to some people, but as soon as I catch myself "fearing man", instead of God...I usually am feeling overwhelmed and stressed, which causes me to not be so pleasant to be around, as my chidren and husband would account to. The only way I manage not to spiral out of control is to pray or read scripture to remind myself who I am worshiping...the world or things eternal??
 

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them.  For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world.  The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever. I John 2:15-17

 The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe. Pslam 29:25

But, on a lighter note..... As most of you all know, we in Georgia and many others in the South were trapped in our houses for a week because of six inches of snow and ice that would not melt! The last time we had snow on the ground for this long was when I was in 8th grade during the Winter Storm of 92. This was my first time with kids stuck with children! But, it really wasn't that bad for us, considering we had only been back from Africa for a week. We were planning on staying home anyway, but now we were forced to.

The view from our front door, the night it all fell...


The view from our back door... It is amazing how much better our backyard looks covered in snow, Ha Ha!

Then all three munchkins wake up to a winter wonderland...

Charles Tucker loved the snow from the window...then he tried to walk in it...(pause the music at the bottom of the page) Sorry my filming is not that good. The flip camera is hard to get use to, it seems so easy, but really it re I need to concentrate more when I am filming...

The little ones are sticking closely to daddy after they realize snow is hard to walk in...

We managed to get one picture before the little ones started to break down...

The wagon seemed to be the trick...for a little while...

After a couple of minutes, the "Ahh" was over and the crying and whinning began. At one point Dee or I were found sitting with both babies in the snow while they screamed! We all suffered through the cries to let Henry sled with his good buddy Hannah.... Thankfully Daddy took one of the munchkins off my lap at one point...

Snow sledding with a little bit of crying too...(remember to pause the music at the bottom of the page)



Thankfully Brook came out to save me from drowning in the snow with two crying two year olds...

After thirty minutes in the snow it was time for hot coco time at Hannah's house... Obviously, two year olds are not made for snow!

That night, more sweet neighbors invited us over for Chili. So neat to get to know more friends in the neighborhood. Henry really got along well with their son, Wenslow. I think they are both glad they have a guy friend to play with, considering our neighborhood is filled with girls. All the kids had a great time running around the house, until they finally crashed on the bed for a movie...

(Ryan, Mary Taylor, Hannah, Blair, and CT)

Then the boys came in for some action...

(Wenslow, Henry, Sally Taylor, Hannah, and Ryan)

What a fun time we had with all these families! It is sad it takes snow to bring us all together, but sometimes life just won't slow down enough to enjoy those around you. Can't wait to do it again sooner than later!

Follow up from yesterday...

(This is a follow up post from yesterday, you can go to it HERE.)

Some people say that I had these emotions because I was not prepared, that I did not do my research on attachement and bonding. Well, I actually did read a couple of books that definitley helped me know what to expect, Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child and Toddler Adoption: The Weavers Craft. Neither one of these books talked about the parent to child bond would be hard. They both talked about how the child to parent bond is the big issue, RAD, (Reactive Attatchment Disorder).  Maybe I overlooked a chapter, that I should have read, but I don't know. I was not surprised by his actions, I expected this, but these authors did not talk about how "I" as the parent might feel toward the child. I think I could have read every single book on attachment and bonding and still felt overwhelmed by these feelings I was experiencing. An attachment book is not going to make me LOVE, truly LOVE.  I believe this kind of love only comes from Jesus Christ. The only book that will teach me to truly love is the Bible and this is where I want to do most of my research, this is where I soak in the most wisdom on parenting my children, even adopted ones. I have to trust that God will give me discerment on how to raise my children. I do not claim to be an expert... I am just a mom, trusting Jesus to help me get through life, because I am a distaster otherwise. But, my prayer for this blog is for God to use my feable attempts at writing our journey to bring him glory.

Learning about the Fullness of God's Love through a two year old boy

With all the anticipation of going to travel to get Charles Tucker, I definitely was overcome by the romantic dream of one day seeing his face, holding him in my arms, and finally having him in our family to live together happily ever after. Well, it was so special seeing Charles Tucker for the first time and I had to pinch myself to realize it was real. But after a couple of days somehow I got lost in the practicality of it all...dealing with our screaming kids, sickness, living in Uganda, and a new child to add to the mix. Life got "real" way too fast. Charles Tucker was cuter than his pictures and more precious than I could have imagined, but he was broken, wounded and craved love and attention. And sometimes it was and is still not pretty and not precious and definitely not cute when he throws himself on the ground, hits us, gets a pouty lip, screams when he doesn't get his way all because I moved his cup from falling off the table among many other things. I found myself having feelings like, "This is hard and I would rather go deal with my biological children." "What happened to those madly in love feelings I had for him just days before?" "What is wrong with me?" "Why do I feel this way?" "I don't want to let anyone know" "I thought we were suppose to live happily ever after the moment I saw him." "If this is normal, why does no one talk about it?"


I did not say anything to my husband for a few days, because I was confused by all that I was feeling. But, finally I did go to him and say "This is hard!" And he felt the exact same way. I was relieved, but still confused.



So we cried out to the Lord, "What do we do now? How to we love him and handle him? Give us your eyes for this little boy. Help us to love Charles Tucker, even when it is hard."



The Lord revealed to us that we are so much like Charles Tucker. We kick and scream before God, wanting our own way, forgetting that we have a heavenly father who loves us so much and wants what is best for us. Does God turn away when we pitch fits? No, he comes to us and rescues us and loves us unconditionally. We even killed him and he still loves us. That is amazing LOVE! God give us this kind of love for Charles Tucker.



At this time, we were telling Charles Tucker "no", but not doing much else. When he would throw a fit we would let him and then walk away. Ever so often we would come check on him and see if he wanted to get up and make peace. Usually he would say no and keep screaming, but eventually he would let us hold him. We wanted him to know that we still loved him when we told him "no", but he could not do whatever he pleased. He eventually started to understand this. Then after a while we let him do the whole fit by himself, until he stopped crying. Then we went to him and reassured him of our love for him, despite not giving him what he wants. After a couple of weeks, he would throw a fit, get over it, and walk by himself to where we were and want us to pick him up. We felt like this was a lot of progress, really fast. Charles Tucker was learning that he cannot be the God of his universe, but that we still love and care for him and we are there for him even in the midst of his sin.



Charles Tucker in his orphan state does not realize he needs someone to rescue him, he craves attention, but he only wants part of our love. The minute we say "no, you may not touch the hot stove, it will burn you." he pitches a fit and can't accept this part of the love. He wants to be in control and go his own way...these are coping strategies he has developed to survive with out parents. He cannot possibly accept that we have his good in mind, he does not trust us yet. He does not know us well enough, it takes time. In the same way, we in our sin do not realize we need God; we do not want to be rescued. But, God reaches down and saves us from destruction and death and gives us new life. He knows that he is the only one who can make us truly happy and fulfilled. But, even though we are in Christ we still try to go our own way and control our lives. We often forget we have an amazing savior who knows what is best for us, who can give us life to the fullest.



But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. Ephesians 2:4-5



When we are young in our faith and knowledge of who God is, we only want the "good" and "fun" love, we do not accept the "hard" love, such as trials and suffering. But as we grow in our knowledge of the fullness of God and realize even in trials, God is sovereign and in control of our lives...then and only then will we accept the fullness of God's love, our identity will lie with our savior. Charles Tucker is going through the same thing. He only wants the hugs, kisses, playing, etc..., he can't handle the full spectrum of our love. True love also includes saying "no", redirecting when he has made a mistake, or removing him from a dangerous situation. But, as he gets to know us and finds his identity in us as parents, then and only then will he learn to accept the fullness of our love for him.



^{For in him the whole fullness of deity dwells bodily, and you have been filled in him, who is the head of all rule and authority. Colossians 2:9}

I soon learned from other adoptive mommies that all these feelings I have experienced are normal and most people have to go through this in order to truly form a parent/child bond with their adopted child. This definitely made me feel better and not so alone, but all I could think about was, ‘No one talks about this on blogs…. This is a big deal…. I totally did not anticipate this before meeting him.’

During the last two weeks in Uganda, I really had to trust the Lord to give me the strength to love Charles Tucker. The Lord showed me how to pursue him, even when he did not want to be pursued, as much as I did not want to pursue him. I often failed, but the Lord continued to show me my sin, grow me, and give me strength to love Charles Tucker.

For this I toil, struggling with all HIS energy he so powerfully works within me. Colossians 1:29

I slowly started to see my heart change toward Charles Tucker and he seemed to be more accepting of my love for him. He really started responding well to the boundaries we put on him. God was faithful in meeting us in this struggle.

On the plane ride home the Lord truly softened my heart toward him. As I watched him sleep, tears started flowing as I realized all that this little boy has been through, most of which I do not even know, but, ‘Come on Melissa, he is a two year old child who has lost everything he has ever known. Yes, he acts like a brat sometimes and he does not appreciate all that you do for him, but that is not the point. We don’t love people to please them or get a big thank you, but we love because he first loved us.’ The Lord definitely gave me compassion in those moments of realization. He was breaking my heart for what breaks his. It was a special time of seeing and thinking about all the Lord had done.

In the last month of being home from Africa, the Lord has brought us a long way. I have seen my love grow more and more for Charles Tucker and some of the magic is starting to emerge again, but in a different way. A blog friend the other night put it in the best way, it is almost like I was anticipating the “wedding” with excitement and “Ahh”, but I never once thought about the “marriage”. But, God has been sooooo faithful and I am convinced he will finish the work he has started in my heart for this precious son he predestined to be in our family from the beginning of time. In the same way, he will continue to give me more glimpses of his love for me and I will start to understand more and more of the fullness of God’s love.

And to know the love of Christ surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:19

If you are about to adopt a child, know that everyone goes through different emotions. You may or may not experience what we have gone through, but if you do have a hard time loving your newly adopted child, know that you are not alone. God called you to bring this child into your family, so he will give you the strength required to love this new son or daughter. In the mean time, he will break you and teach you to depend on him for your every breath. Love that comes from the father is more beautiful than any love we could possibly give our child on our own.

Did you say preschool?

Over the past several years we have kept Henry at home because preschool is so expensive. I begrudgingly accepted this at first, but then the Lord showed me how wonderful it is to have Henry at home. He will be in school for the rest of his life, he is only small once. So I really started to enjoy having him at home. To my husbands liking, I fully embraced homeschool for the past two years with Henry, while most of his friends attended school. But, the last several months with all the adoption craziness and now getting use to our new normal....homeschool is just not happening!

So what do we do? Well, the only rational thing to do with very active, sweet, defiant, smart, impulsive, strongwilled child, is to enroll him in a Spanish Preschool three days a week! Ha Ha!! You say, what? Yes, Henry started his first day at ABCs of Spanish and More....today! Funny thing is...they speak Spanish the whole day, but he really seems to love it! We'll see how it goes!

Yes, this was the first day in 4 1/2 years that I had to be somewhere...on time...in the morning. And it was hard! I had to get up in the dark. I know most of you are laughing at me, because you have been doing this for years, but we sleep in until about 8:00 a.m. or so... depending on when the kids wake up. So I have been spoiled and I have enjoyed every moment of it. But...I think I am ready for more consistency in our life anyway. So I got up at 7:00 am and got everything ready, then I got the kids up for breakfast. It still took us two hours to get out the door and we were a still a little late too. I guess it will have to be earlier on Wednesday. The only true way we got out of the door in under three hours is because Henry was so excited for his first day of preschool. He ate all his breakfast, took his plate to the sink, got himself dressed, and tried to help the little ones get their coats on with out me even asking him. Well, I had to tell him, but he obeyed on the spot! Not normal in our house, there is usually a lot of whinning....

Charles Tucker and Mary Taylor think they are going to school too, with their new little bags from Dominic's party the day before.


After we dropped him off we ran errands and then ended up eating lunch at Whole Foods! Mary Taylor has become a hilarious child. She was pretending like this napkin canister had a door on it and she was knocking on it and trying to open it. So fun to see what's going on in that little brain of hers. Charles Tucker thinks she's pretty funny too! (pause the music at the bottom of the page)

I will keep you all informed about Henry's aquisition of the Spanish language. I am hoping to learn some too!

I can't believe we have entered the preschool world! Never thought I would see the day! I guess God has different plans...

Two new "Charles" in the Jackson Family

A couple of weeks ago, my parents arranged a "Meet and Greet" for our family to meet Charles Tucker DeBardeleben and Charles Graham Jackson, my brother's first baby, who they call "Graham". It was a fun time to see everyone and introduce our new kiddos!

This was one of our first outings as a family of five...so we weren't really sure how it was going to go. But on the way there, everyone did great. Henry and Mary Taylor even decided to hold hands. I promise I did not instigate this. Most of you know I cannot make my kids do anything. And they sat there like this for about ten minutes. It was the most precious thing.

Mary Taylor is eating this up!

And Charles Tucker loves the car, he talks the whole time...

And look who he ran to the minute he walked in the door!

 Yes, my grandmother. He could not have done anything more perfect than walk up to her and give her a hug. She just melted. I told her, this was not normal for him to even look at new people, so what a gift it was for him to give her a hug. I know I was shocked! He wasn't nervous or apprehensive at all about being in this new place. In Uganda he would never let anyone touch him or hold him that he just met. He would barely let people he did know hold him, except me. So it is really interesting to see him be so comfortable in America. He has even stayed in the church nursery for the last two Sundays. I guess this place looks so different than Uganda, that he is comfortable enough to know we are not going to leave him. Who knows?? I keep thinking is it O.K. he feels this comfortable so fast??! I guess time will tell. If anyone has any insight into this let me know. I am probably over thinking this anyway.

My dad had the whole place decorated for the party...

 Look who found baby Graham, (who was six weeks at the time)??

War Eagle!!...future National Champion football star...right Kelly...not sure Matt likes this one!

So neat to see my brother and sister-in-law have a new baby...This is my first nephew on my side of the family...so this was pretty special meeting him. So happy for you guys! He is adorable!!

Kelly is such a wonderful mother already...look at her, she adores him...

Then we attempted a grandparent picture with all four of the grandkids. Charles Tucker wasn't too excited about this idea. He is a typical two year old, with his own mind!

So mommy popped in to save the day..

Then of course the Jackson whole family portrait...this time with funky sunglasses on!! (Thanks for this picture Jennifer)...I think it turned out really cute! Great idea Dad!

Where is Charles Tucker? You ask. He refuses to sit in daddy's lap..he is on the floor in front of Dee.

Mary Taylor and her Kaki posing for pic...Pretty Pretty has definitely become a little miss priss. She loves girly things, like dressing up in tutus now, instead of super hero costumes and putting on makeup with me in the morning. The other day when I asked her to help me clean up a mess she made, she said, "I busy." I could not help but laugh. Too cute!! I think she grew up when I was in Africa! Such a little girl..

As the afternoon turns into evening...everyone starts to melt and some even fall asleep and the other little one gets some special "Punzel" previews on the iphone. "Punzel" is how Mary Taylor says Rapunzel. She is pretty obsessed with that movie. They saw it twice over the holidays when I was gone. She will sit and beg us all day long, "Punzel...Punzel...Punzel...Punzel".

She is pretty funny these days..

What a special time of rejoicing and welcoming these two children into our family! Thank you Jacksons, for welcoming Charles Tucker into our family. What a blessing you all are to us!!

The BLESSING of his dream...

What a blessing to be involved in Martin Luther King Jr.'s dream. It is our joy to be the parents of this precious black child. Oh...do we have a lot to learn, but we are excited to embrace the challenge and beauty of being a transracial family. I know we have only begun our journey, but I am confident the Lord will lead us and give us discernment in how to handle each and every situation. Right now we are just enjoying being a family of five, with an added bonus of twins.

 "The truth is namely that me and my wife’s souls are now and will eternally be intertwined with the African-American struggle. "

 This quote was written by Eric, one of the friends we meet in Uganda. Eric and Shannon adopted their son from our same babies home. Go HERE, to read "Tribute to Dr. King"

Our first week as a Party of Five!

The ride home as a family of five....SO COOL!!..(with MeMe in the back) CT is probably thinking...'What happened to standing in mommies lap in the car with my head out the window???'...first time in a car seat.

Well...I think he got over it!! Pretty much the moment he got in the car, he felt free to be himself...he totally remembers his brother and sister..

So neat to see Charles Tucker walk into our house for the first time...It all really became real at that moment for me...he is really in our family..

About an hour later..they were all passed out.

The next morning we got up and celebrated Christmas as a family of five....meaning we opened the big pile of gifts in our living room...Charles Tucker got a firetruck from Nana...

Mary Taylor got this dress up set from her Aunt Leslie...

And a baby doll from our friends at church...

Henry also got this cool mac truck with about 50 box cars inside of it from our friends at church...

I was so glad "MeMe" got to spend our first day as a family with us...she makes everything more fun!!

This day was such a special time to enjoy one another...it was definitely one of the best days of my life. I realized how desperately I missed my husband and children and such an honor to see Charles Tucker enjoying all of these blessings for himself. I will definitely tuck this day down in my memory bucket and remember this blissful day when life gets real again. Thank you Lord for little blessings such as these.

The next couple of days were filled with learning how to be a family of five....two doctor visits and lots of playtime at home. We had a visit from three special girls who knew Charles Tucker way before I meet him. Rachel, Sharon, and Rose all meet CT at Loving Hearts Baby Home this past summer when they ventured to Uganda on a summer missions trip. In August...I was doing one of my searches on the internet to see if I could find any pictures of my little Ugandan baby when I came across Sharon's blog...Low and behold, there were pictures of the babies from CT's baby home. I emailed her and the rest is history. Rachel and Sharon sent me many pictures of Charles Tucker, along with information about his personality. What a blessing these girls are too me!! The Lord sent them to love on our baby boy way before we knew who he was...How cool is that? And now I finally get to meet these girls face to face. It is amazing how small our world is...or maybe I should say, how great our God is!! Thank you girls!!

On our way to one of our doctor visits...

Charles Tucker is adjusting quite well to his new life. He is sleeping through the night very easily, even though he wakes up earlier than our other two. Naps are another story. He is eating well...but actually he is pretty picky...who would have thought?? But, he is slowing getting use to our food...ice cream is still too cold for him....we'll have to work on this one! As far as getting along with his brother and sister...well he is doing great! When they are having fun together it usually consists of jumping on the bed together and tackling each other. He loves it, as long as we are in the room! He gets a little nervous in uncontrolled environments. Sometimes Henry and Mary Taylor drive him crazy...I don't blame him..they drive me crazy too, sometimes. Yes, he is a typical two year old...so we are experiencing lots of fits if he doesn't get his way...but he is doing much better than he did a month ago when we first met him. Dee and I are learning he probably does not understand English as well as we thought he did. I think we just assumed he understood us, because he could say or repeat any word we ask him to say and he knows several phrases of English. But we have to remember he has heard his native language for the past two years of his life with some English intertwined...so many of the fits could be contributed to the language and his lack of understanding what is really going on. And besides...the little guy has been through a lot his first two years of his life. So overall he really is doing really really well!!! He has the most precious laugh I have ever heard and his voice is too cute for words. In new situations he gets really quiet and clingy, which is to be expected of any child who has experienced his world changing....constantly...I am sure this will change with time. If you see us out and about, know that he might be shy meeting you for the first time. So anyway....life is good for just adding a new child to your family!!! Better than I expected and......harder than I expected...will explain more in another post!! Let's just say I am learning a lot about God's love for me through this little boy.