With all the anticipation of going to travel to get Charles Tucker, I definitely was overcome by the romantic dream of one day seeing his face, holding him in my arms, and finally having him in our family to live together happily ever after. Well, it was so special seeing Charles Tucker for the first time and I had to pinch myself to realize it was real. But after a couple of days somehow I got lost in the practicality of it all...dealing with our screaming kids, sickness, living in Uganda, and a new child to add to the mix. Life got "real" way too fast. Charles Tucker was cuter than his pictures and more precious than I could have imagined, but he was broken, wounded and craved love and attention. And sometimes it was and is still not pretty and not precious and definitely not cute when he throws himself on the ground, hits us, gets a pouty lip, screams when he doesn't get his way all because I moved his cup from falling off the table among many other things. I found myself having feelings like, "This is hard and I would rather go deal with my biological children." "What happened to those madly in love feelings I had for him just days before?" "What is wrong with me?" "Why do I feel this way?" "I don't want to let anyone know" "I thought we were suppose to live happily ever after the moment I saw him." "If this is normal, why does no one talk about it?"
I did not say anything to my husband for a few days, because I was confused by all that I was feeling. But, finally I did go to him and say "This is hard!" And he felt the exact same way. I was relieved, but still confused.
So we cried out to the Lord, "What do we do now? How to we love him and handle him? Give us your eyes for this little boy. Help us to love Charles Tucker, even when it is hard."
The Lord revealed to us that we are so much like Charles Tucker. We kick and scream before God, wanting our own way, forgetting that we have a heavenly father who loves us so much and wants what is best for us. Does God turn away when we pitch fits? No, he comes to us and rescues us and loves us unconditionally. We even killed him and he still loves us. That is amazing LOVE! God give us this kind of love for Charles Tucker.
At this time, we were telling Charles Tucker "no", but not doing much else. When he would throw a fit we would let him and then walk away. Ever so often we would come check on him and see if he wanted to get up and make peace. Usually he would say no and keep screaming, but eventually he would let us hold him. We wanted him to know that we still loved him when we told him "no", but he could not do whatever he pleased. He eventually started to understand this. Then after a while we let him do the whole fit by himself, until he stopped crying. Then we went to him and reassured him of our love for him, despite not giving him what he wants. After a couple of weeks, he would throw a fit, get over it, and walk by himself to where we were and want us to pick him up. We felt like this was a lot of progress, really fast. Charles Tucker was learning that he cannot be the God of his universe, but that we still love and care for him and we are there for him even in the midst of his sin.
Charles Tucker in his orphan state does not realize he needs someone to rescue him, he craves attention, but he only wants part of our love. The minute we say "no, you may not touch the hot stove, it will burn you." he pitches a fit and can't accept this part of the love. He wants to be in control and go his own way...these are coping strategies he has developed to survive with out parents. He cannot possibly accept that we have his good in mind, he does not trust us yet. He does not know us well enough, it takes time. In the same way, we in our sin do not realize we need God; we do not want to be rescued. But, God reaches down and saves us from destruction and death and gives us new life. He knows that he is the only one who can make us truly happy and fulfilled. But, even though we are in Christ we still try to go our own way and control our lives. We often forget we have an amazing savior who knows what is best for us, who can give us life to the fullest.
But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. Ephesians 2:4-5
When we are young in our faith and knowledge of who God is, we only want the "good" and "fun" love, we do not accept the "hard" love, such as trials and suffering. But as we grow in our knowledge of the fullness of God and realize even in trials, God is sovereign and in control of our lives...then and only then will we accept the fullness of God's love, our identity will lie with our savior. Charles Tucker is going through the same thing. He only wants the hugs, kisses, playing, etc..., he can't handle the full spectrum of our love. True love also includes saying "no", redirecting when he has made a mistake, or removing him from a dangerous situation. But, as he gets to know us and finds his identity in us as parents, then and only then will he learn to accept the fullness of our love for him.
For in him the whole fullness of deity dwells bodily, and you have been filled in him, who is the head of all rule and authority. Colossians 2:9
I did not say anything to my husband for a few days, because I was confused by all that I was feeling. But, finally I did go to him and say "This is hard!" And he felt the exact same way. I was relieved, but still confused.
So we cried out to the Lord, "What do we do now? How to we love him and handle him? Give us your eyes for this little boy. Help us to love Charles Tucker, even when it is hard."
The Lord revealed to us that we are so much like Charles Tucker. We kick and scream before God, wanting our own way, forgetting that we have a heavenly father who loves us so much and wants what is best for us. Does God turn away when we pitch fits? No, he comes to us and rescues us and loves us unconditionally. We even killed him and he still loves us. That is amazing LOVE! God give us this kind of love for Charles Tucker.
At this time, we were telling Charles Tucker "no", but not doing much else. When he would throw a fit we would let him and then walk away. Ever so often we would come check on him and see if he wanted to get up and make peace. Usually he would say no and keep screaming, but eventually he would let us hold him. We wanted him to know that we still loved him when we told him "no", but he could not do whatever he pleased. He eventually started to understand this. Then after a while we let him do the whole fit by himself, until he stopped crying. Then we went to him and reassured him of our love for him, despite not giving him what he wants. After a couple of weeks, he would throw a fit, get over it, and walk by himself to where we were and want us to pick him up. We felt like this was a lot of progress, really fast. Charles Tucker was learning that he cannot be the God of his universe, but that we still love and care for him and we are there for him even in the midst of his sin.
Charles Tucker in his orphan state does not realize he needs someone to rescue him, he craves attention, but he only wants part of our love. The minute we say "no, you may not touch the hot stove, it will burn you." he pitches a fit and can't accept this part of the love. He wants to be in control and go his own way...these are coping strategies he has developed to survive with out parents. He cannot possibly accept that we have his good in mind, he does not trust us yet. He does not know us well enough, it takes time. In the same way, we in our sin do not realize we need God; we do not want to be rescued. But, God reaches down and saves us from destruction and death and gives us new life. He knows that he is the only one who can make us truly happy and fulfilled. But, even though we are in Christ we still try to go our own way and control our lives. We often forget we have an amazing savior who knows what is best for us, who can give us life to the fullest.
But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. Ephesians 2:4-5
When we are young in our faith and knowledge of who God is, we only want the "good" and "fun" love, we do not accept the "hard" love, such as trials and suffering. But as we grow in our knowledge of the fullness of God and realize even in trials, God is sovereign and in control of our lives...then and only then will we accept the fullness of God's love, our identity will lie with our savior. Charles Tucker is going through the same thing. He only wants the hugs, kisses, playing, etc..., he can't handle the full spectrum of our love. True love also includes saying "no", redirecting when he has made a mistake, or removing him from a dangerous situation. But, as he gets to know us and finds his identity in us as parents, then and only then will he learn to accept the fullness of our love for him.
For in him the whole fullness of deity dwells bodily, and you have been filled in him, who is the head of all rule and authority. Colossians 2:9
I soon learned from other adoptive mommies that all these feelings I have experienced are normal and most people have to go through this in order to truly form a parent/child bond with their adopted child. This definitely made me feel better and not so alone, but all I could think about was, ‘No one talks about this on blogs…. This is a big deal…. I totally did not anticipate this before meeting him.’
During the last two weeks in Uganda
For this I toil, struggling with all HIS energy he so powerfully works within me. Colossians 1:29
I slowly started to see my heart change toward Charles Tucker and he seemed to be more accepting of my love for him. He really started responding well to the boundaries we put on him. God was faithful in meeting us in this struggle.
On the plane ride home the Lord truly softened my heart toward him. As I watched him sleep, tears started flowing as I realized all that this little boy has been through, most of which I do not even know, but, ‘Come on Melissa, he is a two year old child who has lost everything he has ever known. Yes, he acts like a brat sometimes and he does not appreciate all that you do for him, but that is not the point. We don’t love people to please them or get a big thank you, but we love because he first loved us.’ The Lord definitely gave me compassion in those moments of realization. He was breaking my heart for what breaks his. It was a special time of seeing and thinking about all the Lord had done.
In the last month of being home from Africa , the Lord has brought us a long way. I have seen my love grow more and more for Charles Tucker and some of the magic is starting to emerge again, but in a different way. A blog friend the other night put it in the best way, it is almost like I was anticipating the “wedding” with excitement and “Ahh”, but I never once thought about the “marriage”. But, God has been sooooo faithful and I am convinced he will finish the work he has started in my heart for this precious son he predestined to be in our family from the beginning of time. In the same way, he will continue to give me more glimpses of his love for me and I will start to understand more and more of the fullness of God’s love.
And to know the love of Christ surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:19
If you are about to adopt a child, know that everyone goes through different emotions. You may or may not experience what we have gone through, but if you do have a hard time loving your newly adopted child, know that you are not alone. God called you to bring this child into your family, so he will give you the strength required to love this new son or daughter. In the mean time, he will break you and teach you to depend on him for your every breath. Love that comes from the father is more beautiful than any love we could possibly give our child on our own.
