With all the anticipation of going to travel to get Charles Tucker, I definitely was overcome by the romantic dream of one day seeing his face, holding him in my arms, and finally having him in our family to live together happily ever after. Well, it was so special seeing Charles Tucker for the first time and I had to pinch myself to realize it was real. But after a couple of days somehow I got lost in the practicality of it all...dealing with our screaming kids, sickness, living in Uganda, and a new child to add to the mix. Life got "real" way too fast. Charles Tucker was cuter than his pictures and more precious than I could have imagined, but he was broken, wounded and craved love and attention. And sometimes it was and is still not pretty and not precious and definitely not cute when he throws himself on the ground, hits us, gets a pouty lip, screams when he doesn't get his way all because I moved his cup from falling off the table among many other things. I found myself having feelings like, "This is hard and I would rather go deal with my biological children." "What happened to those madly in love feelings I had for him just days before?" "What is wrong with me?" "Why do I feel this way?" "I don't want to let anyone know" "I thought we were suppose to live happily ever after the moment I saw him." "If this is normal, why does no one talk about it?"
I did not say anything to my husband for a few days, because I was confused by all that I was feeling. But, finally I did go to him and say "This is hard!" And he felt the exact same way. I was relieved, but still confused.
So we cried out to the Lord, "What do we do now? How to we love him and handle him? Give us your eyes for this little boy. Help us to love Charles Tucker, even when it is hard."
The Lord revealed to us that we are so much like Charles Tucker. We kick and scream before God, wanting our own way, forgetting that we have a heavenly father who loves us so much and wants what is best for us. Does God turn away when we pitch fits? No, he comes to us and rescues us and loves us unconditionally. We even killed him and he still loves us. That is amazing LOVE! God give us this kind of love for Charles Tucker.
At this time, we were telling Charles Tucker "no", but not doing much else. When he would throw a fit we would let him and then walk away. Ever so often we would come check on him and see if he wanted to get up and make peace. Usually he would say no and keep screaming, but eventually he would let us hold him. We wanted him to know that we still loved him when we told him "no", but he could not do whatever he pleased. He eventually started to understand this. Then after a while we let him do the whole fit by himself, until he stopped crying. Then we went to him and reassured him of our love for him, despite not giving him what he wants. After a couple of weeks, he would throw a fit, get over it, and walk by himself to where we were and want us to pick him up. We felt like this was a lot of progress, really fast. Charles Tucker was learning that he cannot be the God of his universe, but that we still love and care for him and we are there for him even in the midst of his sin.
Charles Tucker in his orphan state does not realize he needs someone to rescue him, he craves attention, but he only wants part of our love. The minute we say "no, you may not touch the hot stove, it will burn you." he pitches a fit and can't accept this part of the love. He wants to be in control and go his own way...these are coping strategies he has developed to survive with out parents. He cannot possibly accept that we have his good in mind, he does not trust us yet. He does not know us well enough, it takes time. In the same way, we in our sin do not realize we need God; we do not want to be rescued. But, God reaches down and saves us from destruction and death and gives us new life. He knows that he is the only one who can make us truly happy and fulfilled. But, even though we are in Christ we still try to go our own way and control our lives. We often forget we have an amazing savior who knows what is best for us, who can give us life to the fullest.
But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. Ephesians 2:4-5
When we are young in our faith and knowledge of who God is, we only want the "good" and "fun" love, we do not accept the "hard" love, such as trials and suffering. But as we grow in our knowledge of the fullness of God and realize even in trials, God is sovereign and in control of our lives...then and only then will we accept the fullness of God's love, our identity will lie with our savior. Charles Tucker is going through the same thing. He only wants the hugs, kisses, playing, etc..., he can't handle the full spectrum of our love. True love also includes saying "no", redirecting when he has made a mistake, or removing him from a dangerous situation. But, as he gets to know us and finds his identity in us as parents, then and only then will he learn to accept the fullness of our love for him.
For in him the whole fullness of deity dwells bodily, and you have been filled in him, who is the head of all rule and authority. Colossians 2:9
I did not say anything to my husband for a few days, because I was confused by all that I was feeling. But, finally I did go to him and say "This is hard!" And he felt the exact same way. I was relieved, but still confused.
So we cried out to the Lord, "What do we do now? How to we love him and handle him? Give us your eyes for this little boy. Help us to love Charles Tucker, even when it is hard."
The Lord revealed to us that we are so much like Charles Tucker. We kick and scream before God, wanting our own way, forgetting that we have a heavenly father who loves us so much and wants what is best for us. Does God turn away when we pitch fits? No, he comes to us and rescues us and loves us unconditionally. We even killed him and he still loves us. That is amazing LOVE! God give us this kind of love for Charles Tucker.
At this time, we were telling Charles Tucker "no", but not doing much else. When he would throw a fit we would let him and then walk away. Ever so often we would come check on him and see if he wanted to get up and make peace. Usually he would say no and keep screaming, but eventually he would let us hold him. We wanted him to know that we still loved him when we told him "no", but he could not do whatever he pleased. He eventually started to understand this. Then after a while we let him do the whole fit by himself, until he stopped crying. Then we went to him and reassured him of our love for him, despite not giving him what he wants. After a couple of weeks, he would throw a fit, get over it, and walk by himself to where we were and want us to pick him up. We felt like this was a lot of progress, really fast. Charles Tucker was learning that he cannot be the God of his universe, but that we still love and care for him and we are there for him even in the midst of his sin.
Charles Tucker in his orphan state does not realize he needs someone to rescue him, he craves attention, but he only wants part of our love. The minute we say "no, you may not touch the hot stove, it will burn you." he pitches a fit and can't accept this part of the love. He wants to be in control and go his own way...these are coping strategies he has developed to survive with out parents. He cannot possibly accept that we have his good in mind, he does not trust us yet. He does not know us well enough, it takes time. In the same way, we in our sin do not realize we need God; we do not want to be rescued. But, God reaches down and saves us from destruction and death and gives us new life. He knows that he is the only one who can make us truly happy and fulfilled. But, even though we are in Christ we still try to go our own way and control our lives. We often forget we have an amazing savior who knows what is best for us, who can give us life to the fullest.
But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. Ephesians 2:4-5
When we are young in our faith and knowledge of who God is, we only want the "good" and "fun" love, we do not accept the "hard" love, such as trials and suffering. But as we grow in our knowledge of the fullness of God and realize even in trials, God is sovereign and in control of our lives...then and only then will we accept the fullness of God's love, our identity will lie with our savior. Charles Tucker is going through the same thing. He only wants the hugs, kisses, playing, etc..., he can't handle the full spectrum of our love. True love also includes saying "no", redirecting when he has made a mistake, or removing him from a dangerous situation. But, as he gets to know us and finds his identity in us as parents, then and only then will he learn to accept the fullness of our love for him.
For in him the whole fullness of deity dwells bodily, and you have been filled in him, who is the head of all rule and authority. Colossians 2:9
I soon learned from other adoptive mommies that all these feelings I have experienced are normal and most people have to go through this in order to truly form a parent/child bond with their adopted child. This definitely made me feel better and not so alone, but all I could think about was, ‘No one talks about this on blogs…. This is a big deal…. I totally did not anticipate this before meeting him.’
During the last two weeks in Uganda
For this I toil, struggling with all HIS energy he so powerfully works within me. Colossians 1:29
I slowly started to see my heart change toward Charles Tucker and he seemed to be more accepting of my love for him. He really started responding well to the boundaries we put on him. God was faithful in meeting us in this struggle.
On the plane ride home the Lord truly softened my heart toward him. As I watched him sleep, tears started flowing as I realized all that this little boy has been through, most of which I do not even know, but, ‘Come on Melissa, he is a two year old child who has lost everything he has ever known. Yes, he acts like a brat sometimes and he does not appreciate all that you do for him, but that is not the point. We don’t love people to please them or get a big thank you, but we love because he first loved us.’ The Lord definitely gave me compassion in those moments of realization. He was breaking my heart for what breaks his. It was a special time of seeing and thinking about all the Lord had done.
In the last month of being home from Africa , the Lord has brought us a long way. I have seen my love grow more and more for Charles Tucker and some of the magic is starting to emerge again, but in a different way. A blog friend the other night put it in the best way, it is almost like I was anticipating the “wedding” with excitement and “Ahh”, but I never once thought about the “marriage”. But, God has been sooooo faithful and I am convinced he will finish the work he has started in my heart for this precious son he predestined to be in our family from the beginning of time. In the same way, he will continue to give me more glimpses of his love for me and I will start to understand more and more of the fullness of God’s love.
And to know the love of Christ surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:19
If you are about to adopt a child, know that everyone goes through different emotions. You may or may not experience what we have gone through, but if you do have a hard time loving your newly adopted child, know that you are not alone. God called you to bring this child into your family, so he will give you the strength required to love this new son or daughter. In the mean time, he will break you and teach you to depend on him for your every breath. Love that comes from the father is more beautiful than any love we could possibly give our child on our own.
this was beautiful, as is your family.
ReplyDeleteYes what you feel is normal! There were many days when we struggled and I felt so bad because all I had done up to that point was whine for my baby to be home with us! Now that she was, we had to deal with the whole bonding and attachment issue which varies with everyone. Some people really do have little to no issues and we were very blessed not to have as many as others I read about. I think it has been more difficult for you because you already have two very young children. My youngest was 6 when we adopted. IMO, you are doing really well and your honesty will be used to minister to other's when it is their turn!
ReplyDeleteI will be lifting you in prayer!
I am an adoption educator, and have seen this scenario play out time and time again with parents that have biological children and then suddenly feel the need to go "rescue" an orphan, but they are not fully prepared to welcome that child in as a son.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest you read Toddler Adoption, The Connected Child, and Wounded Hearts Healing Homes. Had you done your research on attachment and bonding with a hurting child before he came home, you may nout have been so surprised by his actions. They are all VERY normal. He is not a brat, even if his actions look like it, he is also not a "typical" toddler. He came from across the world into a new white culture. Your traditional styles of discipline are not going to work with him. You have got to get adoption education and support across the spectrum on this journey. You can't just dress him up like your bio kids and expect him to act like them. It doesn't work that way.
thanks for your honesty, and i agree, it helps to prepare for the marriage part of adoption!! working on that now... :)
ReplyDeleteMelissa, this is a vulnerable and humbling thing to post on a blog and I just wanna say WAY TO GO for having the courage to post it. You are learning, as are we all, and you are a GREAT mom! Love your reflections on how it mirrors your own spiritual state. Hopefully many moms-to-be can learn from your experience!
ReplyDeleteHey, Melissa, I read this earlier today on my phone and was really touched by your transparency. It's true that we have a lot to learn about God's grace from our children. Every stage with them is a window to God's incessant love for us as His children. I second Shannon in cheering you on for having the courage to be so open.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your transparency and willingness to share. We are dealing with similar issues (with a foster child). It was an encouragement for me to read these words and I appreciate your insight.
ReplyDeleteYou have completely given yourself to understanding and loving your children, so what more could one ask of you? I respect you for "rescuing" a child, only to impart a love that only parents can give.
ReplyDeleteI just had to stop by here to see who could have posted something about you not being prepared! I have to admit that I am annoyed by Becca and hope that you do not know this person only through the blog world! I have followed your blog since you began this process and I know how much you educated yourself! Please take no notice of this persons insensitive comment!
ReplyDeleteSorry Becca, if you ever read this, I would encourage you not to make sweeping statements about others! Melissa certainly did not go into this blindly but was prepared as much as she could be. There are many aspects in life which we can never be prepared for fully. Getting married is one of them. Parenting bio children is another. It does not matter what you set out to do, you can NEVER be totally prepared to have all the answers. You certainly sound as though you do! You also sound far to judgemental towards a sister in Christ who has opened her heart and been vulnerable!
Beautiful, wonderful post! I felt very similarly when we adopted Jadon. He could really throw a fit and it was pretty distressing (probably more to me than to him)! I loved him then, but I didn't experience a whole lot of feelings of love. Of course now, almost 8 years later, I love that boy fiercely! He is such a joy. He, of course, never has fits anymore and he is such a snuggle-bug. Jadon has had to work through a lot of issues (sensory, self-control), but it has been so worth it. What a joy he is!!
ReplyDeleteBlessings to you!
Sarah
This is absolutely the kind of honesty prospective adopting parents need to hear. Thanks so much for being vulnerable and candid.
ReplyDeleteAmen. Perfect. Well said and even better felt. Trust your relationship with the creator of the universe and not what anyone else says about it. :)
ReplyDeleteGod will provide. All of it.
Melissa thank you. No, haven't read this kind of truth on other blogs and myself and others will be better off for you having had the courage to do it. It is scary to know I will be facing these things with even older children than CT, with more hurts, more experiences...and yet the comparisons you make to marriage and God's love for us leave me with HOPE. And we know that Hope does not dissappoint...Romans 5:3-5
ReplyDeleteNaomi, thank you for saying what most of us were thinking. Thank. you.
Little late in posting, but wanted to say that I've referred several people to read your two posts. Many people ask me about these similar feelings, even before they are home with their kids, and I always struggle with how to answer them. I have two children from Uganda, both adopted at different times, and each are very different. But the #1 thing I tell myself all the time is that no book, other than HIS is going to teach me the best way to parent my children, adopted or not. So the best I've been able to do is tell others that if God has called them to adopt, then HE has a reason behind it. HE blesses us with these beautiful children because he knows that we are the best people for the job. God led me to my children for a reason, and knows that my husband and I are the two people that he trusts to love and raise them in HIS name.
ReplyDeleteOur lives have been shaped by HIM in a way that has already given us the abilities needed to parent our children. It's just about learning how to utilize it all. It takes practice and work, and alooooooot of trial and error I think. But regardless of what anyone, expert or not, will tell you, you are doing it right. The books about adoption out there are great, but not for everyone. I agree with you 100% that relying in God and the bible for wisdom is the solution. It will tell you everything you need to know!
You're doing a great job!
Becca, respectfully, have YOU adopted? because your response to this family comes across as someone who has read an awful lot of books and never actually experienced the real and raw emotion of it all. please be careful as you educate and help other adopting families that you approach them with love and compassion - i realize tone is hard to convey when typing, so i want to offer the benefit of doubt here...but your comment is very disturbing to many of us who are in trenches, pieces our families together and trying to make sense of it all. there is grace sufficient for us in Christ and as HIS adopted children we are called to love the fatherless...but no amount of education and preparedness makes one ready for the pain and sheer raw emotion adoption inevitably brings. please take this to heart.
ReplyDeletethis is beautiful! i'm so thankful to have found your blog.
ReplyDelete