Safe Place to Share

About three weeks ago, three other adoptive women and I started a blog called, Safe Place to Share. We were moved to be honest about our adoption struggles and have a place for others to come and know that they are not alone. We truly need each other in this journey of life, especially when you adopt a child. It is not for the faint at heart. This was my first story on the blog, which was a little scary, being so vulnerable, but God was faithful to cover me in him. This blog truly is a safe place to come and share your HARD and not feel like you are the only one going through it. Go to Safe Place to Share and be encouraged or just learn what adoption is all about.

My HEART and my flesh my fail....

I too was deceived by blog fairy tales that portrayed adoption as the next romantic experience after meeting the love of your life. My dreams and expectations were soon shattered, when I realized I did not possess the “love” for CT, like I did for my biological children. It was in Uganda that I felt shame, guilt, and anger that my heart was not following what my mind knew it should feel. I soon returned home on December 31, 2010, after 32 long days in Uganda, to start one of the hardest years of my life.

Some of the hardship came, because CT was an orphan living almost 2 ½ years without a family and with that came brokenness. He was, and in many ways, still is very needy, always wanting lots of attention, eye contact, and he pouts when the other children get attention and he does not. He was also thrown into a family with a sister his same age and an older brother who bullied him from the day he came home. He has been trying to find his place in the family and he often competes for attention on an hourly basis. He also has a very opposite personality from my biological children, which pushes me to want him to buck up and be like my other kids, but most of the time he whines and cries when things don’t go his way. These are very typical reactions of a child who was once an orphan, so I often question why some people instantly bond with their adopted child and I have done quite the opposite. It’s not like he is kicking, screaming, hitting, and biting all day, like some of the horror stories you hear of adopted children with RAD. I asked myself, “What is wrong with me? Why am I having a hard time “liking” my child, much less, “loving” my child? Maybe it is because of my personality. I was raised to be very independent, and he is certainly not. Who knows? I don’t know the answer, but I do know God has been showing me it is not about what is wrong with CT; it is about what is wrong with my HEART.

My Flesh and my heart may fail, 

but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. 

Psalm 73:26

I thought I was pretty good at being a mother.  My marriage has been really tough, but being a mom came easy for me. I often thought, “I was made to be a mother! Adopting would be something I could do…maybe even easy. Yes, it would be hard, but the positive would out weigh the negative -- right? That was the case with my biological children.”

Boy was I HUMBLED.

It was not easy to love CT… actually it is impossible unless the person and work of Jesus is working in and through me. This past year has drawn me so much closer to my SAVIOR who rescued and continues to rescue me from my orphan ways.  Adoption is not only about the lonely and destitute children finding a home, but about Jesus changing everyone involved when this new child joins the family. It has brought me to my knees more than anything else in my life. I have been in constant dependence on the Lord to love CT.

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you;

I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you

a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26

After we brought CT home, I listened to several marriage sermons by Tim Keller, along with several other sermons which brought truth into my life, as I was drowning in self-pity. Through those sermons, I realized that by moving toward CT in love even when I wanted nothing to do with him, the feelings of “love” would come in the midst of sacrificially serving him--very similar to what happens in a marriage when the honeymoon wears off. The Lord was teaching me about true love, which is very different than infatuation love that I felt before we met him while gazing at his picture. True love is sacrificial and often hurts the person giving the love, but ultimately new life will grow from the sacrifice…which is very much the GOSPEL. Christ did not die for the lovable, but for the unlovable. He did not return evil with evil, but evil with LOVE. He did the ultimate sacrifice.

But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ.  Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—  that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. Philipians 3:8-11

Realizing these truths really helped me to sacrificially love CT better and grow in my relationship with the Lord. I would love to be able to say that all is well and I am passionately in love with him now that he has been home 1 year and 3 months, but I would be lying. This is real life and I am still a sinner living in a fallen world who still greatly struggles with this area of my life. But, friends, God is so faithful to me. He meets me in my ugliness when I treat CT differently than my biological children. He convicts me and draws me to my knees again and again and again. And people, I fail a whole lot!! I still get angry with CT, with myself, and with God, because I want to be different…I don’t want to struggle anymore. In the midst of my “hell”, God gives me glimpses of heaven to keep me going.  I also fear I am ruining my precious son in the midst of my battle with sin. But, the Lord quiets my heart once again and says, “Melissa, nothing can stray from my sovereignty. You are a good mama, not because you treat him ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ but because I see you as a new creation, because of his righteousness, through his sacrifice. I handpicked you to be the mother of CT and I am making all things new."

"And he who was seated on the throne said, 

“Behold, I am making all things new.”

 Also he said, “Write this down, 

for these words are trustworthy and true.” 

Revelation 21:5

HE is more interested in redeeming our hearts, then us saving the world. He is the main character in CT's story, not me. He continues to remind me of his faithfulness even in the dark times and provides everything I need in him over and over again. He gives me renewed HOPE, that he is redeeming me and CT; one day we will be made fully new. Oh, how I long for heaven at times. This “already, but not yet” life is often too much to bear. In his mercy, he reaches down and pulls me out of my misery and gives me renewed strength, to yet again, make it through another day.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end;

 they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,

“therefore I will hope in him.”

Lamentations 3:22-24

Refreshed with his love

It has been a while since I have last blogged, like almost 4 months and I blogged about something that happened 6 months ago. To say the least I am a little behind and the task oriented side of me hates getting behind and not documenting every moment of our lives so I will remember it one day. But, I have learned that I was being controled by trying to keep up with the blog and I needed to let it go for a while. I realized that I have more important priorities like loving my children, and I need Jesus to supply that love, which often comes when seeking his face. Of course, he is working in me to give me his love, even when I don't seek his face, but God does love it when his children seek his face. So I knew I needed to focus on reading the bible and spending time with Jesus so he would supply all that I have in him, along with making my husband, my children, and my friends who are directly in my life more of a priority than my enslavement to a great thing such as "blogging," turned bad, by me worshiping the creation, rather than the creator. Jesus was teaching me that when I die, I can't take my blog with me, so there is no need to stress about finishing my task. Not that he wants us to stress about anything, but especially not something so trivial.

⁶ do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:6-7

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Gal 5:1

So, why did I decide to blog today? Well, I am not sure, but I am at the Created for Care conference in Gainsville, GA at Lake Lanier being refreshed and juvanated by the Holy Spirit. I have loved connecting to these women who realize they need Jesus as much as I do. I love staying at an amazing resort on top of a hill overlooking a beautiful lake. Simple wonderful!!!! I went for a run about an hour ago, and it was just heavenly! It rejuvinated my soul to run in the wind overlooking God's beautiful creation. Wow, he really is so big and so mighty. There is something about a big span of water that really makes me realize his majesty and within that majesty, he cares about me and my little world. Wow, that's humbling.

"The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands." Psalm 19:1

He is also reminding me of his faithfulness this weekend. He loves me and he has provided all that I need in him over and over again through the last several months. He has given me renewed HOPE, that he is redeeming me and one day I will be made new. Oh, how I long for heaven at times. This inbetween life is just too much to bear sometimes, but then somehow he reaches down and pulls me out of my misery and gives me renewed strength to yet again make it through another day.

(our Christmas Card picture)

Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40-30-31

Hope to start blogging more in the future, but I will just take it one day at a time seeing where the Lord leads. Happy Saturday Friends!!

Cross references:

1. Philippians 4:6 : See Matt. 6:25
2. Philippians 4:6 : [Prov. 16:3]
3. Philippians 4:6 : See Rom. 1:8
4. Philippians 4:7 : [Phil 4:9; Isa. 26:3; Col. 3:15]; See John 14:27
5. Philippians 4:7 : [Eph. 3:19]

To love and to cherish...

July 26, 2003

Eight years later celebrating our anniversary. Hard to believe it has been that long. Yeah...we made it past the 7 year itch....Does that mean we are safe??

I am thanking the Lord for all he has taught us and continues to teach us about sacrificial love. Love is an action, and a feeling second. Thank you Tim Keller for teaching me this concept both in my marriage and in my ability to love my children. I am a true believer in "suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." (Romans 5:3-5) Marriage is not easy, but nothing worth having is. Marriage is to make us holy, not happy. And true joy comes from being made holy and new in him. I am excited and scared to see God redeem us more and more every year. Happy 8 years Dee!

adoption is REDEEMPTION, one day at a time...

Talk about being REAL. This post from, The Orphans Table, knocked my socks off!! Adoption is one of those topics that usually only gets PRAISE in the blog world, which is rightly so...but people forget to talk about all aspects of adoption and what it is truly like. I think people feel ashamed and guilty so they hide their true feelings. Maybe people think, "I am not a good christian if I feel this way about my adopted child, so I am definitely not going to blog about it."  But, the truth is, adoption is hard, it is usually not romantic and it does not come natural.

My husband and I have realized adoption is not the way God designed families to be. His design from the beginning of time was for a mommy and daddy to have children and always love them and never leave them or forsake them. But, because we live in a broken, sinful and fallen world... the reality is different. BUT, He has chosen adoption as a way to REDEEM the brokenness.  Just as he has sent his son to die on the cross and rise again on the third day...he has given us adoption to heal the broken hearts of these forgotten children. Was it easy for Christ to die on the cross? No. It was suffering. Just like adopting a child is often suffering on one side of the bonding or the other. But, through this suffering, Christ rose again and made a way for us to live an eternal life. Not only do we get to live eternity in heaven, but right now on earth we are covered with Christ's righteousness. When God looks down from heaven and sees one of his children, he sees Christ, not us. Once we are in Christ, we are becoming a new creation...he is redeeming us and stripping away our nasty sin. (thank God!) The process of sanctification is hard and painful...but through this process we are being made new. We are seeing more of our sin and ugliness...but seeing God's FORGIVENESS, MERCY, and GRACE all the more. In the same way, once you adopt a child, the process of bonding, attachment, and healing is very hard, painful and often miserable. But, in the process, God is making the adopted child new and whole, as well as the parents, but in a whole different way. God is not interested in making us HAPPY, his in the business of making us HOLY. Which is Oh, so painful, but it reaps a harvest of goodness!

About a month after I came home from Uganda, I posted about this same thing HERE, but it was coming from a very shocked, shameful, frustrated, and exhausted place...with a little bit of HOPE. But, now...I see God is exposing my sin for what it truly is...Adoption is not hard because of something the child is doing...but because I am realizing how incapable I am of loving this child in my own strength. I am a nasty , ugly sinner in need of Jesus' saving grace. So everyday, I ask God to fill me with his love, so I may overflow to love my children in the way he has called me to. I often fail every single day, or more. It is a constant reliance on my savior to love our adopted child. But, Praise Be to God for showing me LOVE does not come as natural as I thought it did. I definitely took pride in my ability to love my children. I thought it was just something I was good at and others were not. Pretty funny... right! The minute we think we have made it, is the minute he humbles us and brings us to our knees. So instead of thinking this is something I should not share in the blog world because I am such a horrible person, in actuality, we should not be shocked by the sin of another person. We should be shocked at the good in another person, and praise our father when the good does come out! Because it is not from us, it is only from him. LESS of ME, means MORE of HIM!

And another perspective is, what about the adopted child? Will you want him or her to read this when they are older? That would be horrible for them to know that you had a hard time loving them. I agree, this could be hard, but if you teach your children that true love comes only from the father, then it should come at no surprise to your child that things were hard the first couple of years or more. It is often hard to love biological children too, for me it has definitely been different kind of hard, but it comes from the same ugly place...SIN. It is just important for the child to know, it was not their fault, it was all about You and your struggle with the sin that wages war on your soul. I have only been home with Charles Tucker, my almost three year old for six months, so I am very very new at parenting him, but God has definitely taught me so much about myself and his amazing grace and love for me despite my ugliness. I feel encouraged and very HOPEFUL for what God is doing in our family with precious Tuck-Tuck. He is definitely supplying the love I need more and more everyday and he is bringing us all new life in the process. I am excited to see what another year brings for all of our HEALING.

Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! Romans 7:24-25a

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:3-5

(I did not know where I was going with this post, but it has turned out to be kind of long. Through the inspiration of the post on The Orphans Table, I was able to write this post. Thank you for giving me the courage to step out and write this. It was neat to see God give me insight into my sin with this topic.)

Balance

Lately I have been trying to find "balance" in my life. I think this is something we all strive for, but never attain, especially those of us who are at home with our children. If we give time to one area of our life, another area suffers. Then the next day we give more attention to the area that was suffering, and then the other area suffers. For example, this blog was something I really attended to the last year or so of my life during our adoption process, but other areas of my life were lacking. I did not spend  as much time with God, my husband, or my children. So I this was one are of my life I could slow down on and give attention to more important areas of my life. Now that we have added a new child, there are many other things on my plate such as a precious face looking up to me who needs constant love and attention, lots more laundry, three kids under four who mess up the house constantly, which needs to be cleaned, more dishes to clean and more disagreements between siblings to regulate. Add all of this ontop of spending time with your husband, keeping up with friends, volunteering for church, cooking our dinner, running errands and spending time with God. Naturally, this left me feeling overwhelmed and basically a mess. But, the Lord revealed to me that he is the only one who can create balance in my life. He is the only one who can give me peace amongst the caous. So, instead of being productive and checking things off my list once the kids go down for a nap, I decided the only way to stay saine and not loose it, is to spend time with the only one who can give me LIFE. I know most of you are probably saying, "Dah!" Of course you should be spending time with God! Well, I was, when it fit into my schedule or when I was desperate. But, fitting anything into my schedule is impossible, because the work never ends and I never get everything checked off my list. So no matter how many dishes are in the sink, toys on the floor, voice messages to check, emails to return, and people to call back...I stop what I am doing and go read, journal, and pray that the Lord will rescue me from myself. Then after thirty minutes to an hour, I feel rejuvenated, rested and peaceful to tackle what life throws at me. This time has been critical for me to stay saine and not be a miserable person to be around. You know those harassing thoughts that enter your mind about what you are NOT doing, or who you are NOT pleasing, well this "time" helps with that too! God has truly met me in my overwhelmedness and given me LIFE. When people ask me how it is going, I can honestly say things are really good...yes, it is hard, but the Lord is carrying me through, literally. The christian life promises suffering and trials...the sooner I learned to embrace this, the sooner I will learn to enjoy life through trusting and abiding in Jesus.

"God calls you to be dissatisfied. You should be discontent, restless, and hungry! The Christian life is a state of thankful discontent or joyful dissatisfaction." ~How People Change, by Timothy S.Lane and Paul David Tripp

Another way to find balance in my life is community, real genuine community. The Lord has provided this group of girls women who I meet with everyweek, to really get deep with and get to the heart of our "stories". Stories, meaning, the stories of our lives, so we can be in right relationship with God and be more free from ourselves. I truly believe this group is one of the greatest things I have ever experienced. I am growing leaps and bounds with these women!! One of the cool things I have learned through this group, is a new podcast called True Sisterhood, that started in December 2010. Is there such thing as true sisterhood? Most of us what say no! But, these four women from many different stages of life, have come together to form this true sisterhood as an example of what it could be to really get to the heart of issues, not just graze the surface in relationships. We were made to be in community and help one another along in this journey through the Christian life. They talk about identity, beauty, and influence...pretty much anything women deal with on a day to day basis. I have loved listening to their podcast once a week while I am cleaning the house, doing the dishes, or running on the treadmill. They really speak to my heart. Go to their website to check it out! TRUE SISTERHOOD You can also get their podcasts FREE on ITunes and it updates on your Iphone everyweek, if you press download. I highly recommend this podcast!! You won't regret checking it out!!!

The mission of the podcast:

"Our private thoughts reveal a lot about the breakdown of relationship among women, even (and sometimes especially) Christian women. We’re catty. We’re envious. We compete and compare. We look to our bodies, our achievements, our men, and even our spirituality to give us what we lack. Addiction and vice soon become our favorite solution to what we may not even realize is our deepest problem: loneliness.

 Turns out, we need each other more than we’d like to admit. The True Sisterhood exists to demystify the drama of female relationship by modeling authenticity and vulnerability, so we can navigate life no longer alone."

Another disappointment...and my only true since of strength and comfort

Yesterday, our social worker told us we had not been matched with a judge yet, even though a group of families had been matched with judges and some even received court dates. She said our attorney was highly frustrated since he had repeatedly told the registrar that we needed to be first to get a court date before the other families he was working with. For some reason our papers were not at the top of the pile, so we got skipped. I have no idea why this is happening...this makes no since to me. Dee and I were highly discouraged and felt very cheated by the whole thing, and still do. I did not handle the news very well, but luckily my dad showed up to play with the kids, which gave me a couple of hours to realize what just happened and to graffle before the Lord. Lots of tears, lots of "whys", a run around the neighborhood, and a much needed shower helped me embrace where God has us once again. My "self" wants to blame someone for this mistake, but the Lord again reminds me that he is in control, he is writing the story, NOT ME. For some reason, our papers are not suppose to be at the right place at the right time, right now. As we continue to ride this rollercoaster, please pray that we would continue to get our strength from the only one who can truly provide it.

A "blog friend" Melissa has been in Uganda for 11 weeks trying to bring her baby Mercy home. Today they experienced another road block. The judge has refused to hear their case, for reasons unknown to them. Please pray that God would move mountains for this family...they are ready to come home. As I was reading her FB page today, several people had written encouraging post that truly encouraged me too. So I thought I would post some of them.

‎"My friends, adoption is redemption. It's costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him." - Derek Loux

"God can make a way when there seems to be no way . . . With grace and strength for each new day, God can make a way, God can make a way." -unknown


"May the God of Hope fill you with all Joy and Peace as you Trust in Him, so that you may overflow with Hope by the Power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

And I leave you with Casting Crowns, "Praise you in the Storm"(remember to pause my music at the bottom of the page)

What does it mean to long for something?

...It is a prolonged unfulfilled desire or need.

Do I long for Uganda and Charles Tucker?YES

I long to be able to live my life without thinking I might be on a plane at the end of the week. I long for our life to go back to normal, until it is time to go. I long for a yes or a no. I long to be able to enjoy the fall weather and think about all the fun holiday parties and things of Christmas. Who knows if we will even be here for Christmas or Thanksgiving? The in between is killing me. The minute I start feeling sorry for myself, the Lord reveals to me how broken the world really is and how our situation is not that bad at all. What is the situation anyway? Our soon to be son is in an amazing orphanage waiting on his soon to be family to come and bring him home. Is any one sick? NO. Is anyone dying? NO....SO WHY IS THIS SO DANG HARD?

What am I truly longing for anyway? Maybe I am longing for something to fulfill me that can't. I know I have gained about five pounds of brownie sundaes lately...yes, I am feeding my soul with food, or trying to find something to fill my thoughts of longing, something to make me happy. The Lord has definitely met me in this longing, but being human doesn't help. I have made a dust ruffle, appliqued a couple of shirts, printed off homeschool supplies and lessons, scheduled lots of play dates, volunteered to watch my friends kids, helped paint a room,etc. but I can't do enough activities to take my mind off this longing.

I am realizing all this longing is really a longing for the Lord. My hearts cry is to be made whole in the living God. Why can I not be content where he has me? I guess I am a sinner in a fallen world. Oh.. how I long to be made like Christ..fully!

How amazing would it be to LONG for the Lord like this! I guess the difference would be...I would be fulfilled in my longings, not left empty and wanting more. When you long for "real food," it does not disappoint.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Psalm 13:12

¹ As the deer longs for streams of water,
      so I long for you, O God.
 ² I thirst for God, the living God.
      When can I go and stand before him?
 ³ Day and night I have only tears for food,
      while my enemies continually taunt me, saying,
      “Where is this God of yours?”

 ⁴ My heart is breaking
      as I remember how it used to be:
   I walked among the crowds of worshipers,
      leading a great procession to the house of God,
   singing for joy and giving thanks
      amid the sound of a great celebration!

 ⁵ Why am I discouraged?
      Why is my heart so sad?
   I will put my hope in God!
      I will praise him again—
      my Savior and ⁶ my God!

   Now I am deeply discouraged,
      but I will remember you—
   even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan,
      from the land of Mount Mizar.
 ⁷ I hear the tumult of the raging seas
      as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.
 ⁸ But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me,
      and through each night I sing his songs,
      praying to God who gives me life.

 ⁹ “O God my rock,” I cry,
      “Why have you forgotten me?
   Why must I wander around in grief,
      oppressed by my enemies?”
 ¹⁰ Their taunts break my bones.
      They scoff, “Where is this God of yours?”

 ¹¹ Why am I discouraged?
      Why is my heart so sad?
   I will put my hope in God!
      I will praise him again—
      my Savior and my God! 

Psalm 42

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

6You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. 8But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.          Romans 5:1-8

Wow, scripture really is alive and active! I already see the Lord working in me through the time it has taken me to write this blog post. I believe this blog is truly for me, not everyone else. It is therapeutic! I hope you all are encouraged, for I know I am...at least right now. Remember...The christian life is a moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day journey of dependence on Christ. The Lord knows we were designed to worship him only.

a pumpkin with a new face

Since already purchasing this book at the thrift store a while back, we found a way to incorporate it with carving a pumpkin from the ABC Jesus Loves Me curriculum. Henry is a hard one to keep entertained with many activities I come up with...if it doesn't involve a super hero...he is not game. Luckily, he enjoyed The Pumpkin Patch Parable , by Liz Curtis Higgs, we read on Sunday, except for the "yucky" stuff.


We got our first pumpkin at the end of September, so by October 31st it was fully rotted out. On Halloween afternoon we ventured to Publix and then to Kroger to buy a new pumpkin. This was the best one they had left. I was a little disappointed until I thought, what a great pumpkin to express the state of our hearts before God gives us a new one. Henry was also taken back by the ugly pumpkin...I then told me that is what our heart looks like before God changes it....He was like "Eeww!"

"Some had lumps and bumps. ALL of them were pumpkins!" (book)

"My hand made all things. All things are here because I made them, says the Lord." Isaiah 66:2

This is one redeeming quality from our backyard...

"The Farmer had a special plan for His chosen pumpkin, so the seeds and the slime had to go."(book)

"Create in me a pure heart, Oh God." Psalm 51:10

I told Henry this was all the sin we have in our hearts. This is all the times he has hit his sister or disobeyed his daddy and mommy. But, God takes all the yucky stuff out of us....
Henry took one look at all that pulp and decided mommy better take over.


Notice he is staying as far away as possible.
I took all the "yucky" sin out and threw it away, never to be seen again.

"He has taken our sins away from us as far as the east is from the west." Psalm 103:12

This was our audiance...Milo...

...Bell...

"The Pumpkin got a new face!" (book)

^"And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:18

I tried to put a candle in it, but I was not prepared and the candle was too large. So we missed out on the last and best part of this parable...maybe next year. So here is a picture I found on the internet.

 For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. 2 Corinthians 4:6

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Corinthians 5:17

And still more pictures to come from Halloween night!

**No news on the adoption front, but we were informed yesterday that our lawyer is putting us on top priority! She said, he said... "Getting the DeBardeleben's a court date is my top agenda." Hopefully this means good news for this month!! But, remember...TIA (This is Africa)!...oh and God's timing. One minor factor!

Pre-Halloween Fun!

The weekend before Halloween we attended Cousin Dexter's Halloween Party. Dexter was a pilot, Henry was Batman, and Mary Taylor was Super girl..Henry had already taken his costume off, but he graciously put his cape on for the picture...my have we come a long way for mama and her love of picture taking! Henry used to hide and scream when I wanted to take his picture.

My sister in law, Jennifer, had everything decorated so festively and the food was done the same. Check out this Halloween Chex-mix...

Frankenstein cup cakes....

Owl carrot cake creme cheese cupcakes...yummy...

Veggie corn dogs and Turkey corn dogs...

Henry and Dexter...best buds..

 These two wanted to dress up everyday this last week, yes Batman remained the same, but our super girl decided to be a "Monk Monk" (monkey) on her way to the gym and don't forget the red sparkly shoes..

 And look at that tail! This is just too much!

Henry was this monkey for his second Halloween three years ago....

 

***We are preparing metally to not venture to Uganda until after the New Year, but we are still hopeful that we will go this month, Lord willing. This has been more than an emotionaly rollercoaster, but the Lord is faithful and he has met us time and time again in our disappointment. We have tasted and seen that the Lord is good. Today has been a good day after a breakdown at our church nursery meeting last night...guess I needed to get it out. Trusting the Lord, is a constant refocusing from believing lies to believing truth.

More Halloween pictures to come!

Love Passes Knowledge and One year later...

...since we began our adoption journey and entered the blog world! Hard to believe it has been that long since the Lord opened our eyes to the 147 million orphans around the world. Last week I was hoping we would be in Uganda today loving on Charles Tucker, but the Lord is obviously up to something else right now. If you would like read the first couple of posts explaining how the Lord led us to this crazy journey go HERE and HERE. I am also posting the article I wrote for our adoption agency, Generations, back in July. It is a great summery of how the Lord worked in our lives and is still working through this journey. You can read it HERE.

Why Love Passes Knowledge?

I don't think I ever explained why we picked this title for our blog. Well, I found this phrase from the song, "Lord, Dissolve My Frozen Heart,"an old hymn redone by Red Mountain Church in Birmingham. All of Red Mountain music has been a huge blessing to us. Anyway, deciding to start a blog was out of my comfort zone, as was starting the process of adopting an orphan from Africa. But, we really felt the Lord calling us to do both. Obviously the biggest step of faith was deciding to step forward and start this adoption process, not knowing if this was the Lord's will, but feeling an overwhelming excitement and joy at the thought of being the "hands and feet" of Jesus to an orphan. Everything about adoption gave me so much joy and at the same time I was scared to death. I was fearful of what others would think, I was fearful of having three kids under 3 at the time, but I knew this was where true LIFE was and there was so much joy in where the Lord was calling us. So "Love Passes Knowledge" for me, meant he was calling us to love these orphans and I was thrilled about it, even though, based on the knowledge of the world, it did not makes sense and many would not understand.

To take it further, "Love Passes Knowledge" means so much pertaining to our savior. Our savior, Jesus Christ loved us despite our rejection of him, despite our nasty sin....he died on the cross to save us, to rescue us from ourselves, to bring us into right relationship with him. Why would a person do this? Based on knowledge this makes no sense, why would a righteous man die for an unrighteous man? Therefore, "Love Passes Knowledge". The Lord has adopted us as sons and daughters in Christ. He is our father, he loves us unconditionally, not based on what we have done or what we have not done. From a worldly aspect, this makes no sense at all, our present world functions very differently, "tid for tat," right? Our gospel turns this upside. The love of Christ melted our frozen hearts and replaced it with a heart like his. Yes, we have a long way to go in the journey to fully be made like Christ, but his love is making us new everyday and gives us reason to live for more than ourselves. This love has compelled Dee and I to step out and passionately desire to give an orphan a home to make him our son. This love is nothing of ourselves, (believe me, I am very unloving "in and of myself," just ask my husband) it is all about our savior and his love for us.

Now a year later, most of those fears I had toward the beginning of this journey are non exsistent...I have not thought about other's opinions of our decision to adopt in months. Praise the Lord he is giving me freedom in this area! The Lord has grown us leaps and bounds in this one year in more ways than one. My greatest fear at this point is...to never hold precious Charles Tucker in our arms.

Here are the lyrics to the song which inspired our blog title:

"Lord, Dissolve My Frozen Heart"

Lord, disolve my frozen heart,
By the beams of love divine;
This alone can warmth impart,
To dissolve a heart like mine.

The love of Christ passes knowledge.
The love of Christ eases fear.
The love of Chrsit hits a man's heart,
It pierces him like a spear.

O that love, how vast it is!
Vast it seems, though known inpart;
Strange indeed, if love like this,
Should not melt the frozen heart.

The love of Christ passes knowledge.
The love of Christ eases fear.
The love of Chrsit hits a man's heart,
It pierces him like a spear.

Savior, let they love be felt,
Let its pow'r be felt by me,
Then my frozen heart shall melt,
Melt in love, O Lord to thee.

The love of Christ passes knowledge.
The love of Christ eases fear.
The love of Chrsit hits a man's heart,
It pierces him like a spear.

(Please pause my music at the bottom of the page)

Four Months

Monday was four months since we saw the precious brown skinned, beautiful smile, gorgeous big brown eyed Charles Tucker. I never thought we would still be looking at his picture after four months. Today was a very hard day, but the Lord met me in my sadness and frustration and his given me eyes for him again. He rescued me from drowning in my own self pity. He put a new song in my mouth! I don't want to miss what the Lord is doing, while I focus so much on myself. The Lord wants to give good gifts to those he loves. I want to desire what the Lord desires right now today. Thank you for all your prayers, it is working.

I waited patiently for the LORD;
       he turned to me and heard my cry.

  He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
       out of the mud and mire;
       he set my feet on a rock
       and gave me a firm place to stand.

 He put a new song in my mouth,
       a hymn of praise to our God.
       Many will see and fear
       and put their trust in the LORD.

 Psalm 40:1-3

Leaving...Not Leaving...Leaving...Not Leaving...

Last night we got another email from our social worker telling us she talked to our lawyer on the phone and he was going to work really hard to get us a court date tomorrow (today) for next week, so she said,
"Keep packing because you will probably leave really soon." So we were once again on the "leaving mind set". Today, the news was...our paper work had not even been switched from the old judge to the new judge, so we will not have a court date next week. So, switch to, "not leaving mind set".....Easier said than done today. Yesterday I was O.K. with the, "no court date" news, but today it hit me a little differently and I was pretty frustrated with the whole situation. I called our social worker and kind of vented to her and left the phone conversation crying. So hard to now switch to living in "the hear and now" after this whole emotional roller coaster this week. Oh...and my poor kids...the last two days they have been watching way too much t.v. Of course, now that we are not going next week, I started to feel guilty about not paying attention to them, but what can you do in all this confusion? So after the phone call, I tried to switch gears and spent a little time with Henry finishing up his "super hero alphabet book" that we have been working on. We have been working on this for about a month and I wanted to finish before we go to Uganda, so he could have something educational to look at, besides him being obsessed with all things super heroes.

Then I proceeded to clean my whole house once Dee got home just to refocus my energy on "the here and now." But,who knows what will happen tomorrow? I will not be surprised by anything at this point!

So for the next several days I am going to be living in "the here and now" and blogging about "the here and now" so I won't go crazy! Besides, we are not in Uganda yet...we are here....so that is God's plan for today, who knows what tomorrow brings? Today I pray that the Lord will give me his strength to make it through today "living in the in between" of this situation, because I don't have much strength left...not that I had any in the first place.

Do you not know?
       Have you not heard?
       The LORD is the everlasting God,
       the Creator of the ends of the earth.
       He will not grow tired or weary,
       and his understanding no one can fathom.

 He gives strength to the weary
       and increases the power of the weak.

 Even youths grow tired and weary,
       and young men stumble and fall;

 but those who hope in the LORD
       will renew their strength.
       They will soar on wings like eagles;
       they will run and not grow weary,
       they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31

Charles Tucker! I promise we are coming!!! Eventually...God is faithful and he loves you!

Slapping a Christian just makes em stronger!

Our precious friends the Teacheys have been through so much in the last six days. Doug was in a fork lift accident last Monday afternoon and ended up having his leg amputated from below the knee down. But, the strange thing is....everyone is rejoicing! It could have been much worse and we are all praising the Lord for Doug's life!

Jenna went from not knowing if her husband was alive, to him possibly having to loose his whole leg, to only having him loose the bottom part of his left leg. What an emotional and exhausting experience. You would think...she would be made at God for allowing this to happen to her husband, but Oh, no, Jenna's faith has strengthen 100 times over in the past six days. "The Lord is close to the broken hearted..." He has given Jenna strength that only comes from him. I have been so encouraged by her faith and trust in our amazing savior.

When I saw Doug on Friday at the hospital, he was telling jokes and asking about Charles Tucker. He was in amazing spirits! He knows the Lord is good and he has a plan for all of this. While Doug was pinned down by the fork cliff, he was explaining to the other workers how to get him out, while everyone else was screaming. The Lord gave Doug the wisdom and clarity while he was in excruciating pain. Truly Amazing!! "When you slap a Christian, it just makes them stronger!" words by Richard Pittman at prayer the other night.

Thankfully our church is rallying around and supporting them through this hard time. If you are interested in being involved in helping the Teacheys in the days to come or want to know how to pray for them, go to Caring Bridge. You might have to set up a Care Bridge account...Once you do, look for Doug Teachey and his profile should come up with all the details of his story.

Please pray for his wife, Jenna, that she will find comfort and strength in the Lord in the days to come. I am praying that the Lord would be glorified in Doug and Jenna's suffering and more would come to know his amazing grace.

Agency Newsletter

About six weeks ago, our agency asked me to write an article about our adoption process so far. Once Charles Tucker is home with us, they want to me write a follow up article of how he is adjusting to our family. I agreed to write the articles, but was a little anxious about writing something for a newsletter that many people would read. English was not my strength in high school, I was much better at math and science, I even got my best friend to practically write some stories for me back then. So it is humorous that God has compelled me to start a blog and share my life through writing and now someone else wants me to write an article, this is just too much. But, the Lord completely met me in my weakness and gave me the words to write. When we are weak, he is strong! (2 Corinthians 12:10) Isn't this the gospel?? He created the universe from nothing! He turned water into wine! He uses the weak to shame the wise! He can use my poor writing skills and transform them into something that brings him glory.

O.K. so here's the article the Lord inspired me to write! This is a testimony to his grace in my life in so many ways.


Waiting for Our Child from Uganda

 A year ago, in the midst of getting adjusted to life with two small children…adoption was the last thing on my mind. The Lord slowly began to break me, humble me, and show me I was striving after the things of this world. I was craving the praise of men, not the praise of God. I was chasing after my idols to make me happy, like finding the perfect order to my house or finding that “much deserved me time” of which the world tells me “I need.” My idols were not fulfilling me any more and I was miserable in my efforts. (Do not love the world or anything in the world…I John 2:15-17)
God in his mercy reached down and met me in my sin and bondage and began to show me where I can find life… true life. By understanding how much I need God and how my every breath depends on him is how the Lord began to change my desires. I was humbled by a 22 year old girl, Katie Davis, who adopted 14 girls
in Uganda. I thought…‘How does she take care of 14 young girls and I am barely surviving with two? And she does it joyously! She seems to have found true life and meaning in something the world thinks is absurd.’ She understood her great need for Christ, which compelled her to joyfully love others. In this same way, the Lord was giving me His eyes for orphans. I started to see the world and my circumstances in a different light. I could see the person and work of Jesus redeeming me. My husband was excited to see this huge change in me and was thrilled I was developing a heart for orphans. He always thought adoption was such an amazing picture of the gospel and he had high hopes for our family to adopt. Now that our hearts were aligned, we decided to step out in faith and start the process of adopting a child from Uganda. Not knowing where the money was going to come from and not even knowing if this was God’s will for us…we asked God to guide us and make our steps firm if this was his plan. If the LORD delights in a man’s way, he makes his steps firm. Psalm 37:23
Since the start of this journey eight months ago, the Lord has been faithful to guide our steps and show us His will. He has provided the funds in various ways to make this adoption happen. We are learning that this world is not our home; we are aliens and strangers on a journey toward our heavenly home, which has compelled us to transform our priorities. We have grown closer together as a couple and our marriage has never been stronger. In my fears and struggles the Lord has been so faithful to deliver me and give me peace…He is my respite. God continues to show me my GREAT NEED, so I will realize my GREAT SAVIOR. About two weeks ago…this adoption journey became real to us when we saw the face of precious Charles Tucker. We instantly knew he was the child God predestined to be in our family and we accepted the referral only two hours after seeing his face. We were in love and everything became worth it in that moment. Knowing our child is on the other side of the world… we aren’t comfortable sitting in our house going about our life…It feels like someone is missing. We just want to hop on a plane and bring him home! Obviously, it is not God’s
timing with the courts closing in two days, but we are trusting that we will see Charles Tucker in his perfect timing….but THIS IS SO HARD. I often worry…Are the aunties at the babies’ home holding him when he is sad? Does he have enough to eat? Who is playing with him? Does he feel sick? In these anxious thoughts the
Lord reminds me...HE has loved Charles Tucker from the beginning of time...HE will continue to love Charles Tucker...HE loves him so much better than we will ever be able to love him. Charles Tucker will hopefully be our son very soon, but Charles Tucker will be the Lord’s son forever. (Children are a gift from the Lord;
they are a reward from him. Psalm 127:3)
Once Charles Tucker is home with us, we hope he will know how much he is loved and accepted by our family. We hope he will start to experience this unconditional love of our heavenly father that compelled us to go around the world to rescue him from life as an orphan. We are aware of the struggles he will go through
being an African-American in a Caucasian family. Our hope is that he will know God ordained him to be our son and us to be his parents from the beginning of time. Our family hopes he will see the beauty in his adoption. (…but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.”
Romans 8:14-16)

Dee, Melissa, Mary Taylor, and Henry

Remember how I realized I needed to "Die to self" once again in the event of taking these pictures? If you don't remember, you can read about it on July 21, 2010. 

This is the picture they picked for the article.

Two Months

It is hard to believe two months has past since seeing C.T.'s face! We learned today that our papers have not been filed, even though they were supposed to be filed last Monday, but our lawyer says they will be filed by the end of the week.  This really left us discouraged. Also, since August 16th when the courts reopened...nothing has happened...no one has received a court date...no movement. This often makes me think... "What's wrong with the Ugandan courts? Why is this happening to us? We are excited about adopting and bringing this child into our family...you would think this is what God wants? Why is this taking so long? Will C.T. ever be in our family? Because we are passionate about this...it won't happen." These were our thoughts tonight. We were taking our circumstances into our own hands. We were not believing that God loves us and wants what's best for us. It is really easy to get frustrated and angry, trying to find someone to blame, but the Lord reminds us that it is still not the right time...it is not time to get C. T....it is not time to hold him in our arms. Yes, the best place for an orphan is to be in a family who loves and cares for him or her, but God's ways are never what everyone else thinks is best. "Oh, he has to be in our family before Christmas... the books say it is not good for a child to go that long without a family..." God is weaving a much bigger story than we can see or imagine.

For some reason we are not ready to receive him into our family and C.T. is not ready to join our family. I can only trust that God's story is so much grander than any story I could ever write.
 Even though our family has been through waves of emotions...we continue to hold on to the hope that we will hold him in our arms one day. God is good and he is giving us the grace and peace to help us to trust in his timing.

For still the vision awaits its appointed time;
   it hastens to the end—it will not lie.
If it seems slow, wait for it;
    it will surely come; it will not delay.

Habakkuk 2:3

I will wait for the LORD, who is hiding his face from the house of Jacob, and I will hope in him. Isaiah 8:17

Calm My Anxious Heart

Waking up in the middle of the night has become a regular thing for me. Maybe it's because I am not going to bed at the same time every night because I am too busy "checking things off my to do list around the house" and my sleep patterns are all messed up... or maybe it's because I am anxious and worried about all the things on my plate. What ever the reason is...it is not fun to lay in bed tossing and turning trying to fall back asleep for two hours and then feeling like a truck ran over you when you wake up in the morning.

Last night when I woke up around 3:30 a.m. I decided I was tired of just rolling around thinking of all the things I need to do to get ready to travel to Uganda and worrying about all life's troubles with relationships and just the stress of life. So realizing I gave my Bible to someone a couple of months ago, not wanting to roll over and get my husband's bible, I decided I wanted to try out all the apps. I have been hearing about on our new iphones. I remembered someone telling me there is an app. for the Bible. So I downloaded the free ESV Bible. WOW! Is it neat!! I had no idea what all this iphone could do. I typed in ANXIETY and this is what I found. The Lord revealed these verses to me.

 It is in vain that you rise up early
   and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil;
   for he gives to his beloved sleep. 

Psalm 127:2

 

The Lord revealed this verse to me to show me how much of an idol I have made out of tasks and being productive while I run around in circles. The list never even comes close to being finished and I continue to be overwhelmed. I have been "eating the bread of anxious toil" The Lord is calling to me to rest in him, because he is the only one who can give me peace from my anxiety, "for he gives to his beloved sleep."

Toil is referring to the sin that so easily entangles us. I have been chasing after the wind. 

Then I came across another this verse under ANXIETY.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. Psalm 91

I have not been abiding...I have not been dwelling, I have made my own house and it is crumbling all around me.

After that I went back to Psalm 127 and read the verses surrounding it.

Psalm 127

Unless the LORD Builds the House

A Song ofAscents. Of Solomon.

 Unless the LORD builds the house,
   those who build it labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city,
   the watchman stays awake in vain.
It is in vain that you rise up early
   and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil;
   for he gives to his beloved sleep.  Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD,
    the fruit of the womb a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
   are the children of one’s youth.
Blessed is the man
   who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame
   when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Look at the title of the Psalm...Unless the Lord builds the House...very fitting

I am laboring in vain, I am staying awake in vain! Wow, Lord are you trying to tell me something?

Then it goes on to talk about our blessed we are to have children! I wonder why God talked about children after those verses? I guess he knew we would be anxious during these young childhood years. And obviously this is not uncommon I am experiencing this anxiety in this stage of life. Very common for our wayward hearts, but Oh...what a destructive road to go down. A road to misery that is all in vain.

Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad. 

Proverbs 12:25

Well, I got out of bed this morning feeling like the truck had crushed me...but knowing God will deliver me from my anxious heart and wayward spirit  lifted my spirits! Also drinking a Coke Zero helped too. Ten minutes later I was ready for a morning of fun with four kids! Did I say four? Yes, the Riddle Boys came over to play this morning while their mommy attended some school meetings for the new year. They all played great together with only a few problems. I even got to clean and organize my kitchen while Mary Taylor played independently downstairs for a while! I am not sure if I am nesting or trying to take control of my life...probably both...but with a little less anxiety attached.

Spiderman Jonathan, Pirate Andrew, and Power Ranger Henry protecting us all from the forces of evil...

And they rescued Ballerina Diva Mary Taylor...

 

 "Aye Aye Matey", said Pirate Andrew

My friend Julie over at Flutterbugs makes super cute dresses to raise support for her adoption. Visit her to see these wonderful creations! Julie also wrote a great post that truly encouraged me about life with young kids and the toils of striving to do it on your own. You can read it here.

**I have not heard of any activity coming from the Judges regarding court orders yet, so things seem to be moving slow, but that is to be expected. Like many people say, TIA, "This is Africa".